Earlier this week I was sitting with some other moms at softball practice. The wind was blowing hard and I was seriously concerned that my wig might just fly off my head at that moment and pelt some poor unfortunate 7 year old softball player in the face. I had just had a doctor's appointment with my breast surgeon and had spent the day focused on what my upcoming surgery was going to be like. I was watching these other moms talking and laughing and I had a tinge of jealousy. Why? Because their life right now was "normal." In the midst of it all I began having a few "WHY MEs." Why did this have to happen to me? Why did cancer have to come and disrupt my life? Why...why...why...
I've been through the genetic testing and there's no known genetic reason for my cancer. I've analyzed my lifestyle before my diagnosis. Did I eat all the wrong things? Did I not exercise enough? Should I have worn gloves when I cleaned the house? Did I get myself exposed to some sort of chemical? I've been over all these questions in my head a hundred times. Alot of people have offerred advice on what I could do better and I appreciate it. It's true we can all reduce our chances by making good choices but the ultimate reality is cancer is something you cannot completely avoid or completely control no matter how healthy your lifestyle. I have yet to meet a chain-smoking, obese, alcoholic breast cancer patient. All the ones I have met are active, vibrant, "healthy." I keep listening to all the advice though because deep down I really wish someone could just tell me why...why I have cancer.
In my heart I know I will never have the answer. I know many of you out there are going through hard experiences, many so much harder than mine. I'm sure you are wondering "Why me" in your situation as well, whatever it may be. If you dwell on the "WHY MEs" I have learned it will drive you crazy. All you can do is focus on the knowledge that God has a divine purpose for your life and try to turn something awful into something good.
When I was having the "WHY MEs" earlier today, I had a picture come into my mind of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. How he must have gone through those same emotions and oh how much BIGGER was His burden than mine! Jesus never promised that life as a Christian would be easy. In fact he promised the exact opposite. Matthew 16:24 says "Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.'" That is so hard to do. Do you ever find yourself wanting to say "Why can't it be easy Lord...why does it have to be so hard?" I find myself saying that all the time. But Jesus also said in Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (NIV)
So whenever I am feeling a "WHY ME" coming, I am going to close my eyes and picture Jesus in that garden and I am going to make a choice. I am going to choose to rest in Him. Lots of love,
Kerry
Dear Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI think most people go through the why me's sometimes. I know I did after I had my miscarriage, and then for my next pregnancy went on bedrest. I was so scared that my dreams would not come true. I really had it relatively easy, but I went through it some. I used my bedrest time to read the entire Bible. (How I wish I retained it better!) And I have since realized that without my miscarriage, my firstborn son that I love so much would not have been possible. (He came along less than a year after my miscarriage.) How I wish I could take your difficult situation from you. You are right. God didn't promise for our Christian lives to be easy. And there was nothing you could have done to prevent cancer. It happens, and it is not fair. Sure, there are steps to help you stay healthy, but there is no guarantee, even for the most avid health nut, of being cancer free. I hear you and I do my best to understand. I know God is going to give you rest. I hurt for you, though mild in comparison to what you have to go through. I am so sorry.
I found a website....with some why me questions from a Christian perspective. It focuses on Job, and how he suffered. I don't know if it will be helpful or not, but just in case....
http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/why-me-god.htm
I continue to pray for you Kerry. I check on you every day. God is going to give you rest. Keep your faith. He is there with you.
Love,
Amy
Hey sis,
ReplyDeleteI think we have all asked, "Why Kerry?" Why did cancer come into our lives? If it did come, why did it need to come now? Why not when you were older? The questions seem endless. So many times I have asked "Why not me?" I am older. In a crazy way it would make more sense.
There are no answers to these questions,as you know. We are not in heaven yet. We live in a world with sickness, tragedy and pain. You don't have to look far to see suffering. I am just so sorry that it has come to you. I wish your biggest worries were the day to day decisions of life, not dealing with cancer.
I do believe, Kerry, that God has a purpose for your life much bigger then you or I could ever dream or imagine. I also know that His plan for you is perfect.
I am so thankful for you, Kerry. I am thankful for the blessing you have been in my life. I am thankful for our family and the love and support we have always given each other.
I am thankful for modern medicine and the treatments that are going to cure you from this disease. I am thankful for the people that have been so kind to our family and shown us so much support.
I am sorry you have to wear a wig. I am sorry for the chemo side effects and the brutal reality of cancer. I am sorry for the stress and problems that cancer brings into your life. I am sorry that you have to deal with them to keep going.
We will keep working to educate ourselves on treatments and options. We will learn all we can so that we can support ourselves and others that are dealing with this disease. We will learn new levels of faith, compassion and hope.
We can live with the cancer, Kerry. Not because we want to or would have chosen it, but because GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN CANCER. His plan for your life is so much bigger then the disease. This is our new normal and we will run with it and grab every blessing along the way. I know there will be more blessings then any of us can count.
I will see you soon, Kerry. Let's see how much trouble we can get into next week. I am so proud of the character you have shown. You are doing a great job.
Remember how much I love you,
Mitzi
Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you are beginning to have the "Why Me" feeling now. I know that is completely normal to wonder why. I have had those moments quiet often. Mine began when I was young and my mother wasn't doing well because she had MS. Her diagnosis was SO long ago that all the wonderful medications and treatments that we have now couldn't help her. She was so young when she was diagnosed and so young when it began affecting her so bad. I was with her the last time she drove a car. And, when I was in 8th grade, I held her hand as the doctors took staples out of her head after a major surgery that we had hoped would help her. She was just 47 went she went into a nursing home and I wondered why many times. I wondered "why me" when I was pregnant and shopping at the baby stores. I would see all the other women shopping with their mothers and I wondered why that couldn't be me. I asked God many times why it had to be me... why it had to be us. I know that God gave me a great husband and 3 beautiful boys to help replace that "lost" feeling. But, I still have my days when I wonder why. But, I take comfort in knowing that the bible says one day we WILL know why. ALL our questions will be answered and they will all make sense. I will pray especially hard for your "why me" times.
I love you and I love the friendship that God has blessed me with. I wish I could help you. I wish I could carry your burden for you. You are a wonderful person and a wonderful Christian! I pray for God to send comfort to you and your family. And, to ease the "why me's".
I Love You!
Brooke :)
Dear Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you can be honest with us and let us know how you are really feeling. It is true that you may not know why you are going through this now, but Brooke is right, you will know in heaven!!!
While you don't know all the whys right now, God does and he also knew how you would react to this cancer. He already knew how you would reach out to others and want to minister to them in the midst of your struggles!! You have really done that in a powerful way :-) It makes me think of the blind man in the Bible. When the disciples asked him what the man had done or his family had done for him to be blind, Jesus said that he had done nothing, that he was blind so that God's glory could be displayed in him!!! God knew his works would be displayed in YOU :-) When the "why me"s come just think about how far God has taken you in this already and how he has been glorified!!
We love you dearly Kerry and see God reflected in your life. We will be praying for God's peace and wisdom in the decisions you will be faced with!!
Your big sis,
Shannon
Sweet Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI have been away from a computer and just read your blog on "The Why Me's" I think everyone at some point in their life asks that question. I also think that God wants us to ask so we can reflect on His never ending power, grace, mercy and love for our lives. He may not give us the answer, but He will always give us the strength we need to get through it. It reminds me of a song that I used to sing to my mom when my dad was sick - Called a Brand New Touch. Lord I need a brand new touch my strength from yesterday is gone, but if you give me another touch Lord I"ll have the strength to carry on. And He does He gives us the right amount for what we need for each day.
I can't help believe that God allows circumstances and situations in our life to Glorify Him and to Grow our Faith. Kerry you have done both of that with your blog and your honesty. You do not know how many people scanning the internet who have never met you and even those who have read your blog and are inspired by you and some I'm sure want to know about this Jesus you talk about and what a comfort He has been in your life. God is using you in BIG ways, but we live in a fallen world and so there is always going to be satan on the other side putting doubts and discourgements in your head. Keep your faith and courage and remember ALL the prayer warriors out here cheering you on and praying for you.
We love you so much and you are doing great!
I will continue to pray for strength, wisdom, and courage as you go through this.
Much love,
Lorrie
Good morning Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about you and praying that you are feeling well. You have had a couple busy weekends so I am sure you have been exhausted having all this fun painting Knoxville and Roanoke Pink!! I am sure you have been enjoying Mitzi's company this week. We miss her here but we know she is where she needs to be! Tell her hi for me. :)
Thank you for being so honest about your feelings. I agree with everyone else who has posted. We have ALL experienced the "Why Me's" at some point in our lives. I believe it is a natural reaction to stressful and difficult situations. We may not understand why we have to experience these difficult bumps in our lives, but God knows why and HIS plan for our lives is always good. He will carry us through those valleys and bring us victoriously to the mountain top once again!
My son Zach has found me many times checking your blog and he always asks "How's Miss Meredith's sister doing?" So, please know that you are on the hearts and minds of many people here in King George, even the children!
Have a wonderful blessed day!
Love,
Shelly
Kerry, I agree with Lorrie and Shelly. I think that it's quite normal to wonder why. I know I've been there myself many times. But that is when I'm reminded by the fact that God is in control. Right now we can't see the big picture but I truly believe He has called you to be a part of His bigger purpose. I think of Gideon in times like these. He couldn't see how his army was suppose to win using only about 300-400 men (I can't remember off hand) but God was with them and they won the battle. Stay strong and keep smiling. As you said in your profile you are a precious daughter of Christ!! You are and He's holding you in His hands right now. We love you!! Tell Meredith to give you a big hug from all of us here in K.G.!!!
ReplyDelete