Hello dear friends and family!
Surgery is now 3 weeks behind me. I am still very swollen but it is going down. I am now sleeping in the bed again at least most of the night. I can't roll over on my side and have to sleep on my back. Usually between 2-5 am I wake up with a terrible back ache and I sleep the rest of the night in the recliner. (I have new appreciation for LaZboys let me tell you). I have lost most of my eyelashes and eyebrows now too but the hair on my head is definately coming back. My arm mobility is improving. I am reaching over my shoulders now and (with some squirming) can usually pull clothes off over my head. I'm back to driving all over town too. These are all very small victories but I will take them. Life is ALMOST back to normal.
The emotional side of things is still taking some getting used to. Lately breast cancer has made me feel like I am half a person. It can make you feel like half a wife. You aren't as beautiful for your spouse as you were before. What's the use of dolling up when you don't have hair, eyebrows or even eyelashes. It can make you feel like half a woman. Not only is my hair missing but my chest too. Sometimes I feel androgynous. Yes it is temporary but it still can be SO depressing. You want to do something about it, but what are you going to do? You can't make your hair come back any sooner. You can't make the surgeries or the radiation visits over with quicker or be any easier. You can't make the scars disappear or make the swelling go away any faster. So you try to be one of those glass half full people. You look for the silver lining. You tell yourself "I'll shop for scarves and hats." Or you think "I'll pick my own bra size!" Goodness knows I have an large bandana collection right now and reconstruction will certainly make me feel more normal in the long run but neither of these things (or any of the other "silver linings" I focus on) will make me feel whole again inside.
SO how do you feel whole again? Well it isn't by anything you can do yourself that's for sure. The only thing that makes me feel whole again is knowing that God is in control and that He is the one who can fill me up inside. No one person and no one thing on Earth can do that...just Him. Everything you have in life, everything you've achieved....your health, your financial stability, your spouse, your children, everything is a blessing on loan from Him. Those things all make you feel wonderful and happy but nothing else can make you feel complete. I have lots of moments when I struggle with the emotional side, but this knowledge is what carries me through. I can't imagine battling this disease with out it. Hope you are feeling whole inside too. Lots of love,
Kerry
PS: Brooke Estrada emailed me and said the Avon Breast Cancer walk in the Colorodo Rockies was a huge success with lots of answered prayer and Godincidinces. More details to come later!
My dear sweet Kerry, you are a beautiful, beautiful young woman. You do not need adornment of any kind to make your beauty show. It is just there naturally. When you speak, it is with uplifting words. When you smile, I think God that he gave you to us as the mother of our granddaughters and our son's wife. Without any hair, you are still beautiful in all ways. Also, you look wonderful in the cloths you choose to wear - tops as well as pants and skirts.
ReplyDeleteYou are so correct in saying that God is the only one who can fill us. I think He is giving you an extra filling. You see, it is showing in your life. It is bubbling over, and blessing the rest of us.
We love you.
Nana
Hey Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are recovering from your surgery. I am glad the swelling is going down and you are sleeping more normally. I am so thankful the surgery and chemo are behind you. I pray that you continue to improve.
It is okay to be sad about what you lost. I regret the hair, eyelashes, and surgery. Cancer has taken a toll, both physically and emotionally. I heard that our peace does not come from what goes on around us, but what is in us. In your case it is even more personal. Your peace does not come from what is happening physically, but from the presence that is inside you. You can't find your peace without struggling through losses. You are doing a great job, Kerry. I pray that every day the peace is more present and real.
In the meantime, have you looked into false eyelashes? There is a store in Richmond that actually paints on eyebrows. Maybe we should get your dolled up! I'm all for picking your own bra size! I would offer to be your hair consultant, but you know better than to rely on me as a stylist. Heather wanted to go for a makeover. I think we should all go! The store won't know what hit them!
You will find your "new normal", Kerry, and it is going to be beautiful. Frankly, you already are. I think you are perfect this very instant!
Take care of yourself, Kerry.
Remember how much we all love you.
Mitzi
Dear Sweet Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that your stamina and life are almost back to normal. You are well on the way to the finish line and are still soaring over the obstacles!
I am so sorry for the physical and emotional toll all of this has taken on you! I know that it has been even more difficult than you have probably revealed to us, what we see is your courage and amazing attitude.
I think that these next few months may be the toughest emotionally for you because of all the physical changes you mentioned. Please remind yourself that to all of us, who you are isn't defined by what you wear or look like. You are a beloved child of the Most High King and loved by us just because of who you are. While we grieve, sympathize and pray for you our love for you hasn't changed. If anything it has grown for the amazing woman you have shown yourself to be in adversity :-) Besides, like Nana and Mitzi mentioned you have even managed to do chemo and surgery with style and pazazz! You are a beautiful woman Kerry, inside and out, who radiates God's love even through this valley!
I think that Mitzi's suggestion to hit that store in Richmond is a great idea. Let's try new makeup trends we've never tried before! Then when you are all dolled up we will have to find somewhere for you and Randy to go :-) We love you so much Kerry and want to support you any way we can!
All my love,
Shannon
Kerry
ReplyDeleteYou are created in God's image therefore you are wonderfully made. We took are youth on a trip last week and we learned about Moses. One day we focused on Moses and the Isrealites waitng to go the the promise land and also having to wait each day for God to provide manna. Sometimes are wait for our blessings from God takes a long time and sometimes it is right in front of our eyes. You are beautiful and you are loved by many inside and out. We are praying that you have the strength you need to endure the wait.
Praying for you!
Tanya, Will, and Hannah
Dear Kerry,
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's so difficult to live in the world. With every magazine at every grocery counter telling us how to lose weight, get better hair, get whiter teeth, be more appealing, have better breath... I try to remember that these are not of God. No where in the Bible does God say that we must work on our hair, nails and breath to the Glory of God. But it's hard to remember with everything staring us down saying look this way, be this way. I always tell my boys, that the way that we dress and style our hair must be approachable that people will feel comfortable. We must not look scarey or too tough, we must look kind, and not to rich or too poor and we must look modest. In this way we can give our testimony and most will accept our presence. As I write this I can't see you, but in my mind and heart you are the image of God and you are so beautiful. I pray that you will feel as beautiful as I know you are and God knows you are. Love, Your friend