Yikes!!! It looks like either my meds have messed up my hormones big time or I am undergoing chemo-induced menopause. Whatever this is it has popped up quickly. I've had hot and cold flashes. Yesterday I felt absolutely fine but cried uncontrollably all day. I have had mood swings for a few weeks now.
Thank goodness a fellow survivor happened to read my last post and emailed me saying she saw it coming. I'm not used to being unable to control my emotions. It is SCARY.
I recently joined Facebook and it asks you regularly "What's on your mind..." I think the question should come with a disclaimer that "if you have messed up hormones from chemo this does not apply to you" because I have seriously almost posted some pretty dark stuff. Last night in the midst of another crying fit all I could write were the words below. I know that this is temporary and that God will carry me through it. He always does.
I've got tears I can't explain. They just keep falling.
I got a hug from a sister survivor today when I really needed it.
I got two phone calls from family at just the right moment.
I got an email from a friend that made me smile.
I've got two little girls that just look at me and wonder.
I've got a husband who made me laugh as soon as he walked in the door.
I've got a God who sees it all and gets me through it.
I've got blessings.
Lots of love,
Kerry
Dear Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you and praying for you everyday.
It is scary to have uncontrollable emotions. I have to deal with that a lot actually. My sister, Donna, says sometimes I need to just ride out the wave. Sometimes it's gentle and I feel lifted and carried, and other times it's crashing down on me so fast I can bearly get up for air, but it always passes.
I have learned there usually is a repeated thought that enters my mind just before the real "waterworks" start, if you know what I mean. It is usually my worst fear. It is often a lie and contrary to a promise.
The enemy is also called the father of lies. He wants to rip away our hope and mock our faith. God will deal with him help us recognize truth.
Psalm 6 says,
1O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
3 My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?
4 Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
5 No one remembers you when he is dead.
Who praises you from the grave [b] ?
6 I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.
8 Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.
9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
10 All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;
they will turn back in sudden disgrace.
My prayer for you is that you will ride out this wave without guilt or shame for these emotions and God will restore you by the TRUTH of His promises.
Love,
Joyce
Hey Kerry,
ReplyDeleteEmotions are so tricky, aren't they? They feel so real and intense one moment, and then are a memory the next. It must be strange to feel so many intense emotions and not understand where they are coming from. We have always tried to think through our feelings logically. That must be difficult as well, because you are crying due to a physical reaction not just an emotional one.
I am thankful that you received telephone calls, e-mails and hugs at the right moment. I am thankful you have a husband who makes you laugh. It always feels so good to smile, doesn't it? I know your girls don't understand, Kerry, but they look at you with love and wonder. They love you so much. I am thankful most of all for your faith and the strength and comfort it gives you.
This is difficult, Kerry, isn't it? So many losses in such a short amount of time. It must be scary to feel like you are losing control of your reactions and feelings. You are not really losing control. You are conscious of what you are experiencing.
I have to say that I sometimes feel so much better after a good cry. Sometimes the best medicine of all is to be able to cry. That is okay, too.
Remember emotions can feel powerful at the time, but they will fade. You will feel like yourself again.
In the meanwhile, I think this is the perfect opportunity to get away with stuff. Is there something that you want to do? Do we need to take a trip (Thelma and Louise)? If we get caught or get in trouble, we could blame your hormones. Think about it. It will probably be years before you have such a great opportunity! Just remember that actions have consequences! (I would also appreciate it if you would take Shannon and me along! I don't have nearly as good an excuse as you.)
I have not experienced menopause, but I am sure you will have an education. I hope that the hormones will level out.
Someday this year will be in the past and not the present. I look forward to that day. I know that we will get there.
Take care of yourself, Kerry.
Remember how much I love you,
Mitzi
Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you with all my heart. I'm praying for your daer husband too. It's so hard to be "The Man" sometimes. I'm praying for Shannon because She loves you so much, I know. I'm praying for your parents because I'm a parent too, no need to explain that. I'm praying for Meredith because I love her so much and I know you do too. But I'm not desperatly praying. I'm praying with expectation because i know God has plans of prosperity for you and not to harm you.. God loves you. Love, a friend
Dear Sweet Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that your hormones are going awry due to the chemo. They probably don't know what hit them :-) Since we are close sisters and a lot alike, I am assuming that you may be too hard on yourself for feeling like your emotions are out of control. I think I would worry that it won't get better and would also get down on myself for not handling it perfectly with no tears and a smile on my face the entire time. Of course, since it isn't humanly possible to get through something like this without some major tears and worry you shouldn't expect that of yourself!! Give yourself some GRACE to cry and work through all of this. Know that no matter how you may feel, you are dearly loved. Doesn't it say in the Bible that God knows every tear that falls from our eyes. We will love you just as much if you cry hysterically and your emotions run away with you sometimes :-)
Know that God is using you even when all you can do is cry and ask why. God wants us to be honest with him and others and to share each others burdens. Thank you for allowing all of us to share in a small way some of what you are going through.
From Mitzi's entry I see that she appears to be up to mischief of some kind :-) Can you imagine! I think you should quickly think of something we can do and blame on your hormones before your more rational, practical side takes over. Maybe, and this is a SCARY thought, we should just be spontaneous and see where the car takes us :-) I think that it should go to Duncan Donuts first and then we'll just go along for the ride :-) After all, we have to have sustenance for our journey! I know dad can relate :-)
On a more serious note, we will continue to lift you up before God and will pray that the side effects of the chemo don't worsen. We love you dearly and always will, no matter what your hormones do :-)
Your big sis,
Shannon
My dear sweet Kerry, it is ok to cry. It is also ok to throw something - hopefully it will be something soft without any life in it! Now is a good time for you and Randy to plan some "couple time." Just let me know. The girls and papaw and nana will have a great time. Go do something outrageous that makes you both laugh and God smile at you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Nana