Hello dear friends and family!
I am a week out from my last treatment. I didn't have any trouble with the bone pain this time which is a blessing. I've started some stomach quesiness like I had with the last round. I am hoping it will be gone within a couple of days.
Yesterday was a hard day not only because I felt worse but because I have found myself starting to sweat the small stuff again. You know, all the little things that stress us out and give us that "overwhelmed" feeling. For me there's details of the upcoming surgery, the decision of whether or not to homeschool Laura in the fall, my messy house, weight I'm putting on, a broken dishwasher,and two surprise baby guinea pigs (that need to be given away before they produce more surprises of their own)!
I find myself trying to "destress" my life but then feel guilty about it when I do. For example, we are now using paper plates, cups, and forks, but I feel guilty every time I go off to the trash dump to dispose of it all. And yesterday there was lots of tears and drama as I managed to find a home for one baby guinea pig. It broke Laura's heart and I felt like "the worst mom ever."
After a couple days of focusing on all these things it got me wondering what it is that makes me do it. What makes me get so stressed out over little things? Why do I let them get to me? Here I am in the midst of chemo with miraculous results. Tumors shrunk to next to nothing! Here I am able to live a relatively normal life in the midst of cancer and I'm stressing over guinea pigs!!! I've just come to the conclusion that "sweating the small stuff" is human and part of my fallen nature. It is me trying to be in control. It is my human nature trying to take over the reigns of my life again. In Matthew 6: 27 Jesus said to his disciples, "Can any of you add a single hour to the length of your life by worrying?"
Sweating over the small stuff hangs over your day like a cloud and I am tried of letting it "rain on my parade." God is so, so good and I'm not going to let these things burden me down spiritually.
1 Peter 5:7 says we are to "Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you." That's what I am doing today...from the big decisions to the little agitations. I'm casting my anxieties on Him. Lots of love,
Kerry
Hey Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI liked your post. It came at a good time for me, because I have been overwelmed this week. Life can come at you fast, can't it? The boys are changing so quickly. I can't believe that Ben is starting highschool in the fall. He is starting to look more like a man then a boy. My house is currently messy, I forgot to eat breakfast, and I should have practiced the piano yesterday!
If we live a full, productive life then we will be busy. Everything takes time and energy. It is easy to become overwelmed because we see so many needs around us. I feel guilty as well when I try to cut back. I think it is the perfectionist in me!
We all worry, Kerry, and we all become anxious. You have always been so good to think through your emotions and deal with them logically. It is a character trait I have always appreciated about you.
I think sometimes it is important to throw those fears and anxieties on the table and look at them. Sometimes we have to talk through them to let them go.
I know many of my fears come because I care about things or people so much. I wonder if I am doing enough, or doing the right things. It is hard to tell when you are in the middle of it.
You are doing such a great job, Kerry. I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about paper plates. I am sorry Laura was upset about giving away the guinea pigs. She has a loving heart. The boys were disappointed about selling our puppies, but there was just no way to keep all of them. And, as you say, they keep coming! Sometimes we need to let those small issues slide in our lives, so that we can focus on the important ones.
You are doing such a great job with your chemotherapy, you have keep the schoolwork going, taught a great class at co-op, written a wonderful blog, and taken great care of your kids and family. Randy has done such a fantastic job, too. (I think meeting Shannon and I in Roanoke was a top priority!) Kerry, I have been amazed at all you have accomplished while undergoing chemotherapy. You have made the most of this time. I am proud of you and think you should count it as a victory.
The surgery is a hill to climb. It will require a sacrafice of time and energy as well. I know radiation will follow quickly. Remember you will not always be in this place. We will get past the surgery and come out on the other side, just as you will the cancer. This is our year to fight breast cancer, but we will make the most of it as well. We will serve God, love our families, appreciate all the wonderful people in our lives, and accomplish the work we have been given to do. It will be okay.
(I also think we should shop at outlet malls, try new makeup, eat lots of chocolate, and wear our flashing breast cancer pins! We can't be productive all the time! By the way, how are the movie star sunglasses working for you? Have you been asked for any autographs, yet?)
Keep up the good work! I am going to buy you the Cosco pack of paper plates! (Shelly and I call them our good china!)
I am sorry I missed your call. Call me back! In the meantime, remember how much I love you,
Mitzi
Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI am inspired by the way God is working in your life. He has such perfect timing like allow your chemo treatments to end towards the end of the school year so that you can have the summer to focus on your surgery. I get so overwhelmed too. I tell myself all the time that I have to be a Mary in a Martha's world. When I am worried that my children are not learning enough I rememeber that God gave them to me and that was not a mistake. When I worry that my house is to messy I remember what He told Martha in the bible. I have to just sit at His feet and listen. I can't stand or run around and do errands I have to sit and listen. I know that God will give you all the answers. I am truly blessed to know you and your family. My family and I will continue to pray that God gives you a peace about all the trails that you are having to face.
God Bless
Tanya Douglas
Dear Kerry,
ReplyDeleteYour blog and mitzi's comments helped me so much today. I've been almost in tears because we didn't get to bake bunny bread for Easter with the kids. I need to get a grip! There is so much pressure on Mom's everyday and especially with a holiday coming. I'm experiencing a new pressure (totally self induced) being a Grandmom--I want to make so many memories of happy holidays and pass on some of the things I remember from Mama B. Her fun loving spirit, the special food, the importance of family. AND have the house clean, the dog groomed, the house and yard decorated with bunnies and eggs (which means poppie patrol several times), the egg hunt, the meal with things EVERYONE (even 3 year olds) will like, not too much candy in the easter baskets (melissa is opposed to that)
Of course this all HAS to happen effortlessly without any fuss, or asking for help, or getting too tired, or horror of horrors "going to too much trouble".
so as all of us "perfectionists" do I've painted myself in a corner and your words of wisdom along with Mitzi's have pulled me out of a delusional Marta Stewart frenzy. I know when you are your age you think that by the time you're 60 you'll have all this sorted out and organized so none of this will bother you. Ha, Ha the expectations will sneak up on you anyway! Long message, but you both are so right in all you say. We love you all so much and are amazed every time we read the blog what wonderful Moms and wonderful people you are. Hope it gave you a laugh to hear about the "lexington to do list". SO I've taken a big breath, pitched the list and I'm going to play with the dog. Who no matter what loves me the way I am. Love and prayers to all and hope eveyone has fun on Easter.
Pat
Dear Sweet Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI sure wish I had read your blog several days ago!!! I have been in the middle of a “K-town" frenzy and almost missed the fact that along with Easter basket shopping, cleaning and cooking, entertaining quests who arrive unannounced and chasing Aslan all over the yard (He is our indoor kitty who has claws but had never been outside until yesterday!) I needed to sit and focus on the real meaning of Easter!!!
After sitting outside (It is absolutely gorgeous here in K-town today) and contemplating what Jesus went through for us and how much he loves us, I could take a deep breath and relax. Aslan was found and returned to his loving home, hopefully to never escape again! The kids didn't even notice I totally forget to buy the egg dyeing kit and since we all ended up playing kickball it didn't really matter anyway!!
After reading your blog and the delightful comments from Mitzi (I want some of the Cosco fine china too!) and Pat's hilarious "Lexington to do list" I feel totally revived :-) I’m not sure what I will do with my new found energy, but it will not be cooking, cleaning, or laundry :-) If we had some tulips, I would skip through them, but since I didn’t get around to planting bulbs last year I guess grass(with a lot of weeds) will have to do :-)
Seriously Kerry, you have done so much in the midst of chemo and been a real inspiration to all of us. I can only hope that if I were going through a trial such as cancer that I would be able to care about others and love them the way that you have done!! We will pray and support you through the big stuff and the small stuff too!!! Remember how much we all love you and are lifting you up to God in our prayers :-)
Your big sis,
Shannon
Hey Kerry!
ReplyDeleteI think we all need a video copy of Shannon skipping through the tulips (weeds)! Maybe you and Aunt Pat should join her and I will make the video!
Remember how much I love you (but I am not skipping through weeds or tulips! It would be too frightening.)
Mitzi
Hey Kerry, I hope you had a wonderful Easter. I've been thinking about you alot lately and the guinea pig. I dont think you need to feel guilty at all. There is a time and place for everything. Sadly right now is not the time for that guinea pig. I've sort of been there except it was a crazy cat who had been kicked outside because she used the carpet as her litter box. We had to tell the kids that Penny went to live by the creek. I was pregnant with Dana, moving into a rental house, and was trying to get through selling my house to a crazy couple. A few years later they figured it out that Penny went on to kitty heaven with the doctors help. Jim's parents were able to take our other cat (which was a sweet adorable kitty). Kerry, as Mitzi has said before, you wont always be in this place. I would do whatever it took to make life easier for now. I know a family with 9 kids and they eat off of paper plates!! You will get back to the other normal - hang in there! We love you and we're still praying hard!
ReplyDeleteHugs
Renee
Dear Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI still pray for you and check on you every day. I hope you have had a good week, not sweating the small stuff. I sweat the small stuff pretty much every day, and have contemplated your Bible verse. God is still working on me in that respect! I am afraid I have no great tips for you. I am still confused. I aim for perfection, and fail miserably! There is a lesson in there for me, but it hasn't kicked into my life yet. Kids have helped me tremendously! I can't display a perfectly neat house, with a well-groomed yard and smart home-schooled well-mannered children, and have an energetic smile on my face with the 3 kids running around energetically making messes. I fail! Few people get to visit my house these days. I am too embarrassed. It isn't that bad, but I am prideful. There is my confession of the day. I am quite sure I could be happier if I would just get over it. I hope you are making progress!
You have bigger things to worry about Kerry. Meredith took my idea. When I read your update, I decided you needed a package of paper plates. No guilt if it is a gift, right? You HAVE to use them, or you are being wasteful! Meredith, did you send her some? I will pitch in. You are doing a GREAT job, Kerry. You are an inspiration, and have led a productive life despite your difficult circumstances, and all done with grace!
Love,
Amy
Oi, sou o Clausewitz e gostaria de convidar você a visitar meu blog e conhecer alguma coisa sobre o Brasil. Abração
ReplyDeleteSweet Kerry,
ReplyDeleteJust read your blog and I too am reminded that we all sweat the little stuff and should not. I can not even leave my house unless the floor is mopped, what a waste! and a waste of precious time. But I'm working on it.
As for the paper plates girl use them, they even have the kind that does not look like paper plates along with the silver ware that looks like real silver. We used them at Easter. Meredith they are at Costco. We are all going to pitch in and as Amy said you have to use them because it will be a "gift".
Seriously though you are doing great and I think it would be unhealthy if you did not have these feelings. Just because we are Christians does not mean that we will not have these feelings but the amazing thing to remember is that we do not have to stay in that place because we have a friend, comforter, provider and sustainer Jesus Christ who will take all of your burdens. I love the verse below.
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
I also wanted to share with you a song by Jaci Velasquez called "Lay it Down" She wrote this song at a very painful time in her life.
I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'
Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'
Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin'
I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands
Chorus
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do?
Cause everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.
I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'
But You're pullin' me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what else can I do,
Cause everthing I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.
You are such an inspiration to all of us Kerry. We love you and continue to cheer you on.
Much love
Lorrie