12 years. That is how long Randy and I have been married. We just celebrated our 12 wedding anniversary Sunday. I am so very thankful to have experienced these last 12 wonderful years. My anniversary got me thinking about the day we got married. I remember being very happy and very calm that day, no jitters, no nervousness. I knew I was making the right decision and therefore the decision was easy for me. Now I am not generally a decisive person but there have been times in my life when I "just know" something, unequivocably, without a doubt is true.
Something that has been on my mind lately is the ease with which I have made most of the decisions surrounding my cancer treatment. Number 1 of course was to turn to my Savior. I could have been bitter or angry but what good would that have done? God didn't give me cancer. In fact becoming bitter would have missed the point. The OPPORTUNITY as it were to see how God was going to use this in some positive way became apparent to me early on. It didn't make the future ahead look easier but it least it gave it some meaning, some purpose, some reason.
The second decision came with whether or not to choose chemotherapy. When you are told you are a borderline stage 3, not a candidate for Her2Nu or estrogen induced cancer treatments, it's in your lymph nodes and a Dr. looks you in the face and says "If you were my wife, I would start with chemotherapy right away" that certainly makes the decision easier. What is remarkable to me is the comfort which I took from those terrible signs, as though they themselves were little Godincidences pointing the way. It led me to the cancer ward I am on. It led me to the people that I am continuing to meet who are ministering to me and "training me up" to someday help others. It has drawn me closer to a circle of friends, new sisters here, in Va, and all over the nation for a deeper and more meaningful fellowship.
To face cancer alone seems like trying to walk a huge chasm with no bridge, no net. I know that I know that I have HIM above and countless others on the other side waving me on and that makes all the difference. Most importantly I know that I have HIM and I am left to feel so sad, so broken for those who don't. How can you look at the vastness of the stars, the complexities of a single cell or the remarkable way in which our planet is positioned to sustain life and believe that everything is some sort of cosmic accident, that we are here and then we die...pointless...meaningless. What I can already testify from my short experience with breast cancer thus far is that He is HERE. He is REAL. He speaks to us in so many ways. We just have to have our ears open to listen. And when He does, YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW that HE is speaking to YOU. And that YOU are LOVED. That you are a daughter of the King. Lots of love,
Kerry
Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI liked your post. John always says, "Event plus response equals outcome". We can't control certain events in our lives, but we can control how we respond to them. You have done that so well.
I have read your pain becomes your ministry. I think when we have suffered through situations, we immediately feel compassion for those traveling the same road. It is so much more difficult being on the inside of problems, then on the outside. I know you will help others to be thankful for what they have, grieve what was lost, educate themselves, and find their new normal.
I KNOW THAT I KNOW God has a plan and purpose in your cancer and you will be blessed.
Take care of yourself, Kerry.
Remember I KNOW THAT I KNOW how much I love you.
Mitzi
Happy Anniversary Kerry. You are absolutely amazing. That was awesome. I honestly believe God is going to use that to turn someones' heart toward him. How special. How very special.
ReplyDeleteIt worked on me. The kids and I are doing a Bible study. We are using a very great book: Leading Little Ones to God, by Marian Schoolland. I highly recommend it. It focuses on God and what He does for us, rather than just Bible stories. Each day we reread the titles of past chapters and learn a new thing about God. It goes like this: Our hearts ask for God. We can't see God because He is a spirit. We see God's works, like the flowers, trees, sun, moon, and stars, etc. God talked to people long ago, like Samuel. God talks to us in our hearts and in the Bible. God sent His son. There is only one God. He is everywhere. He knows everything. He is 3 persons: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. God is holy, which means that he is pure and never sins. God is Almighty, which means he is powerful and we are small. God is faithful which means that he never breaks a promise. God has many names: Lord, I AM, Jesus, Father, etc. God made all things good. He made us good, and he made all things for his praise. (our purpose!) That is as far as we have gotten. Today we learned that God always does what is best. The example was Moses' mom, doing a terribly difficult thing of putting her baby in the river, trusting God. And it turned out for the best. It talked about trusting God when troubles hit us....that He has a plan that is best for His people. At the end, I was sort of baffled. This one is so hard for me. I put myself into your shoes, and I just thought, "If I were in that position, could I believe this? Or would it make me angry? I don't know if I honestly GET this." And here I was teaching it to my children, as if I had no trouble with it. So we talked about you, and I told them that I really don't understand why you have to have cancer. I don't understand God's plan. But that we are supposed to trust Him. And I told them how hard it was sometimes. (And on the inside, I was thinking, especially for me.) And then I go and read your blog, and there you have it. YOU GET it. You really do. You have such strong faith. I am just humbled. Isn't there a Bible verse that says something like, "God forgive my unbelief." I need to go with that. You are an inspiration. You have the kind of faith that moves mountains. And you will touch people with that. God bless you. Thank you.
Amy
Dear Sweet Kerry,
ReplyDeleteIt is such a blessing to KNOW THAT YOU KNOW God is with you and loves you. I can't imagine going through breast cancer without that reassurance. God has plans for each one of us, good plans to give us a future and a hope. It is amazing to see what he can bring out of a truly tragic situation. You have certainly allowed him to use you to encourage and support so many others :-)
I will continue to lift you up daily in prayer for what the next few months may bring. Keep your eyes fixed on God and the BREAST CANCER FINISH LINE!!!
We love you so much Kerry and will pray God's blessings will pour over you and your sweet family. Congrats on twelve years of marriage :-)
Your big sis,
Shannon
Oh, Kerry. I read this last night, and I had to come back again to read it again. What a ministry! What wonderful comments from Mitzi, Amy and Shannon! This is a Bible Study for me. Just as I study my Bible to teach, to learn, to know more about Jesus and to grow closer to Him; I draw such strength from your blog. Kerry, God has you covered. You are His. As Shannon said, I, no we, will lift you up daily for what the coming months will bring. I feel that God already has the BREAST CANCER FINISH LINE drawn. You will reach it soon.
ReplyDeleteWe love you.
Nana
Dear Kerry,
ReplyDeleteAll I have to say is, "If this is what your heart looks like when He's training you up, I can't imagine the glory that you will reflect when you feel ready for battle!" I want you to fully recognize how you are helping others this very instant! I cried reading Amy's email. You have touched us so. You instill a desire in us to know Christ more and teach our children His mysteries!
Thank you for reminding us that He is HERE and He is REAL and we can KNOW that He SPEAKS to us and LOVES us. Lately, I have been doubting that He is speaking to me directly. I've been looking at life as coincidences and not GODincidences. When I look back at the past few weeks with that in mind, its like watching a play unfold where every scene is deliberate and interwoven in an overarching theme.
God brought three things to my attention this week:
1. We need to have faith first then prayer, not the other way around.
2. He truly is the potter! As a lump of clay that is dried up, He provides living water to mold us and His firm hand shapes us. Then the fire cures us. (Isn't that beautiful? A friend of mine wrote a poem and read it to me over the phone this was just a glimpse. I hope to share the entire thing with you someday.)
3. He will bring about restoration letting us trade in our dependencies little by little until we depend on Him solely. We often trust in money, food, our own bodies, and our property. Without Him none of these things can help us. He makes us recognize we can truly rely on Him for all of our basic needs. We receive the greatest blessings through some of the hardest lessons: a drastic reduction or loss of income, a deprivation of food (hunger), a period of sickness and pain, and a loss of that which is ours (this includes people). God is good to save us and replenish us.
I can't wait to meet you face to face. You are my sister in Christ and there is no deeper tie than one He puts together!
I love you and you are in my prayers always!
Joyce
Speaking of sisters in VA! Amy, you too, inspire me. I think we all cry out at times,"God forgive my unbelief" for we ARE small and He is big. It is so hard to get that.
I love what you wrote. I took the liberty to rearrage the words and add emphasis:
God ALWAYS does what is best.
God made ALL THINGS good.
HE HAS A PLAN THAT IS BEST for His people.
GOD is holy, which means that he is pure and NEVER SINS.
God is faithful which means that HE NEVER BREAKS A PROMISE.
God is Almighty, which means HE IS POWERFUL and we are small.
If you read just the caps it reads,
"Always," in "all things, He has a plan that is best. God never sins. He never breaks a promise. He is powerful!"
I pray that He helps us with our unbelief and we truly remember this when our lives seem to fall apart. Thank you so much for these words, I needed them today!
Joyce
Sweet Kerry,
ReplyDeleteHappy Belated Anniversary and Happy counting the day down to your last chemo treatment.
What an inspiration you are to all of us who have been reading your blog. I have told you before and I will continue to tell you that God is using you in BIG ways for HIS glory.
You are beautiful sweet sister and I am so honored to know you. You inspire me to be a better person, to love more, to laugh more and to cry more.
I continue to cheer you on to the Breast Cancer Finish Line. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Much Love,
Lorrie