There have been several times since my diagnosis when I have been the "bummer mom." In other words, you (in your children's mind) are the bummer. You've kept your child from something they really want. If you are a mom you've been there. (And many times it is part of the job description). I have tried all I can the last several months to give my children a "normal" life, but there have been many times over the course of my chemotheraphy when I have had to disappoint my children.
I did it last night as well. We were at a Lady Vols softball game. It was 9:30 with three innings to go. We'd been there for four hours. The game was terrific. We'd all had a wonderful time but I was exhausted. It had been a busy day. I have had stomach trouble ever since my last treatment (still not bad, but more constant) and we had a 45 minute drive home. It was time to go. My daughters' entire softball team was there, all with notepads waiting until the end of the game to get the college players' autographs. But not my children. Their mommy is "sick" and we "had to go."
On the way home it was all I heard about. We've had this conversation many times before. One of my daughters was very angry that she was "missing out." They were not tired. I was tired. I was the problem. The truth of it is I don't like disappointing my children. BUT disappointment is part of life and they were choosing to see the hour they missed out on at the ball park not the four hours there they were able to enjoy.
This night came on the heels of a week when I have been the recipient of so many blessings, packages, caring cards & letters from friends and family. (Thank you coop friends, Amy, Lorrie, Christine, Aunt Pat):) It really bothered me that my children were oblivious to the blessings all around us, even something so simple as a softball game. I had to explain to them that the three of us being healthy enough to spend the night at a softball game was a privilege. (Most mommies going through chemo, I explained, couldn't do that). Having the car to get us there and the money to pay for the gas was a privilege. Having the people in our lives who cared enough to invite us and fellowship with us there was a privilege. Having the luxury of time to go was a privilege. Every day is a privilege.
We started focusing on what we had, not what we didn't have and then I believe my kids "got it." Only then did my girls start talking about how exciting the game was, how skilled the players were, how much fun we'd had. By the time we pulled into the driveway I believe my children finally understood how privileged, how absolutely priveleged they were to have even gone at all.
It got me thinking how much our human nature is like that sometimes. God has given us so much, so many blessings. Often times we focus on the things we don't have in our lives. Sometimes we feel as though we're missing out. Sometimes we feel like we've been denied something, maybe even that God has denied us something when the whole time we have blinders on, unable to see that He is absolutely showering us with blessings. I personally feel absolutely drenched in them.
Monday is my birthday. I will be 38 years old. I am calling this my Breast Cancer Birthday. I intend for it to be my ONLY Breast Cancer Birthday. Being a year older is a another privilege that I plan to enjoy. (And I don't even have any gray hairs this year)! :) Lots of love,
Kerry
Good morning Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI liked your post. It is so important to have an "attitude of graditute", isn't it? I was once told that "A grateful heart never has a reason to complain". Sometimes I am so busy thinking of the way I want things to be, that I forget to appreciate the joy of the present moment.
Stephen wants to show me things in the woods a lot. Many times I have to go over and under branches and creeks. He scampers along and I usually take a while. Stephen is very patient.
Recently he wanted to show me an "amazing plant". He was so happy and leaped into the woods. About 10 minutes later he showed it to me. "Isn't it beautiful, mommy?" he said. What struck me was how a rather common flower in the middle of the woods brought him such joy. I would have walked by it and never noticed.
I think many times how we look at events shapes our joy. It is so important to hold onto that joy and let it spread to all aspects of our lives.
I hope today, and on your "breast cancer birthday", you find your flower. I hope it brings you such amazing joy.
Take care of yourself, Kerry.
Remember how much I love you,
Mitzi
Good morning Kerry and Happy Birthday!!!!
ReplyDeleteI hope today brings you lots of happiness and joy. I hope you are feeling well today and will be able to go out and have some fun with your family and celebrate your day! I think about you a lot and still check your blog daily (sometimes many times a day!) I have not posted in a while because of my family's crazy sports and "end of the school year" activities, but that does not mean that you have not been on my mind and in my prayers. Tomorrow (5/12) is my birthday (I, however, am one year older than you!):) If I didn't live so far away from you, we could go out and celebrate together!! Kerry, have a blessed day and know that you are being thought about and loved very much.
Your KG friend and "sister",
Shelly
Dear Sweet Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love the fact that even though you are in the middle of the BREAST CANCER RACE, you have been able to stop and fully appreciate all of God's blessings. I am afraid that if I were in your situation I would not feel as "drenched in God's blessings" as you do. It is such a testimony to your sweet faith, to God and to many amazing prayer warriors that you can feel this way.
I hope this 38th birthday was a special and memorable one, not because it is your only breast cancer birthday, but because you felt loved and cherished by those closest to you.
I know your LAST chemo treatment is coming up and will be praying that you clear that hurdle just as amazingly as the others!! We are all still cheering you on to the finish line. I am so proud of you, Kerry, and your journey has been an inspiration to this big sis :-) Remember how much you are loved!!
Shannon
Shelly,
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday from your big "Sister" in Knoxville!!! Thanks for your sweet encouragement to my little sis :-)
Shannon
Hi Kerry,
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about the enjoyment of life being in the way you view it! Sure, you can always take the glass half empty approach and become consumed with "what could have been", or "what almost was." But, where do you find yourself when you spend time ruminating on things that didn't turn out exactly the way you wanted? I have often found that my biggest concerns are usually huge timewasters for me.
I have also been equally "guilty" of disappointing my children, but I believe (as you do) that disappointment is a part of life and a part that children need to understand. It helps them to grow into adults with realistic expectations and the ability to weather life's little ups and downs without coming apart.
I can remember good advice that I got from my dad when I was pretty young. I had undergone some disappointment in my life and was bemoaning the fact that "it wasn't fair!" I remember him very clearly saying to me that Life wasn't always fair and that I had better get used to it. Wow, that thought blew me away when I was a youngster, but I realize now it was his way of helping me learn to cope with disappointment in life. It did no good to complain. It didn't change things at all. It simply kept the frustration at the forefront of my mind and didn't allow me to let it go.
I hope that when our children are grown and gone that they realize that we were helping them by letting them experience some disppointment. I also hope that they may learn to look past that and find that the glass that they thought was "half empty" was really "half full".
Thank you for your encouraging words and your ability to see the silver lining in the clouds. Kerry, your strong belief in God's caring ways are a true testament to the power of faith.
With Love from King George,
Michelle
Kerry, Happy be-lated Birthday! I had meant to write earlier but we were trying to get through testing. It feels so good to say "We're done" whoohoo! I also wanted to say that Michelle is so right. I know my kids have been upset with me (and their Dad) for being bummer parents. But it is so true that for them to grow up and be well adjusted adults they need to experience disappointments in their lives. What's interesting is they probably wont really remember the bummer times as they grow up. They will remember their mom being so strong and courageous. I read in a book once that as adults we tend to romanticize the past. That's probably a good thing. You are doing a great job! The blessings you have been able to bestow onto all of us is just amazing. Your blog has even encouraged a woman here in K.G. to start a similar ministry for the women in our church!
ReplyDeleteAnd another whoohoo today your last chemo!!!
Love and Hugs!!!!!
Renee