Round Two...Bring it On!

Hello Prayer Warriors!

Four months ago I began to fight my cancer. Like a boxer putting on boxing gloves and heading into a ring for a grueling match I prepared myself at that time for a long fight. My surgeon had said this would be my "breast cancer year." I knew there would be several rounds...chemo, surgery, radiation, reconstruction, each with its own set of challenges.

Round 1 for me was chemotheraphy. The decisions in this round were simple. Chemo was the fastest, most effective and only systematic way to attack the cancer. Hormone therapies are less effective on someone with triple negative breast cancer like me. With the chemotherapy over now I feel like the round 1 bell has just sounded. I've won the round! Tumors have shrunk! I'm not down for the count! But this is just round one. I've got several more tough rounds to go.

So today I moved forward into round 2. I'm back in the ring, this time laying down the strategy for a successful surgery. The decisions in this round are more complicated. Do I opt for a single or double mastectomy? Do I plan for reconstruction or not? If I plan to do reconstruction later do I have inserted an expander (a new liquid-filled balloon that adjusts in size) to stretch the skin for future implants on one side or both? How does an expander impact radiation? What if the expander fails or is damaged by the radiation? Does that mean another surgery or delay of my radition treatments? If I don't do the expander tissue called a transflap will have to be taken from my back or tummy to create the muscle support needed for reconstruction. How will that effect recovery time/healing?

The decisions involved in this round are dizzying. I have talked to women who (when faced with the same decisions) made very different choices. You also have 3-4 doctors weighing in with differing opinions. I've had two tell me I am not a candidate for an expander on the left but am on the right and one tell me I am a candidate for the expander on both sides. A part of me just wants a date for the surgery, a date when I can get round two outta here, but I've talked to enough women with regrets that I don't want to be looking back wondering to myself, "Well what if I had done this...or that?"

And so today I marched back into that Plastic Surgeon's office with my GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN CANCER shirt and my movie star glasses (which looked maaaarvelous by the way). I was hoping to get some answers to all my questions.

The first time I went to the plastic surgeon's office I felt "freaky." I saw all these beautiful women who I assumed were striving for physical perfection. I had to wonder to myself "Why are they here?" And then there was me feeling like (because of the cancer) I was going to be mutilated and then "put back together" like a frankenstein. This time I dropped the self-conscious attitude of the previous trip. I again saw several beautiful women around me, but I didn't speculate about what they were doing there. I focused on what I was doing there. I focused on the fact that the surgery is part of my strategy to defeat the cancer, my battle plan. A mastectomy would hopefully defeat the cancer physically. As a triple negative, my chance of reoccurance is high. I have heard of women with reoccurances who endured chemo and surgery AGAIN years after their initial diagnosis. I refuse to be one of those women. When I throw that one two punch on that cancer I want to knock it out for good.

Then I want to defeat the cancer emotionally. It is my choice...all of it, and here is where reconstruction enters into it. I don't want to be wrapped up in the physical, seeking perfection as some are but I want to be as "normal" as possible. And when I stopped to think about it I realized that's what all the women in that office wanted. We are all God's beautiful creations. If only we could see ourselves as He sees us... "beautifully and wonderfully made." Seeing beyond the physical but finding a healthy "normal." That's where I need to be. That's where I am headed in my emotional battle with breast cancer.

When I went into the plastic surgeon's office I was hoping to get some answers and set the date for the surgery. What I got were more questions. But you know what, that's okay. I've got lots of phone calls to do, lots of opinions still to gather and lots of decisions to make. Please pray for insight and for patience on my part in making these decisions. I may be in a holding pattern for now but when I go out swinging to fight the cancer again it will be once and for all. As a friend pointed out to me one time, my initials aren't "K.O." for nothing!

I am clinging to the following verse: Romans 12:12

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.(NIV)

Lots of love,

Kerry