Rage. Rage so intense you feel like you have to hit something to get it out of your system. Then five minutes later you are on your knees weeping. You don't know why. You just are. The phrase in the Bible "weeping and gnashing of teeth" literally comes to mind. They're back....the insane hormones from my fourth treatment hit another peak the other day.
And what sets off this wild ride of emotions? It's just everyday things...my child losing her softball uniform, the kids bickering in the car, having to ask your child to do something three times. Normal everyday circumstances that you cope with all the time but with Chemo's last kick are harder to handle. My children just stare at me during these episodes in wonder, eventually trying to give me advice about "controlling my temper" and "Mommy just try to smile...you will feel better inside." Ouch! Then you cry because you feel bad about crying! How crazy is that? I feel so sad for my little girls and my husband. I feel so sad that they have to see me like this. At least I know it is temporary. My doctor said it might get worse before it gets better and it has. Last night I sat my girls down and explained to them that the medicine was affecting me. I had to ask their forgiveness for my outbursts of emotion. It certainly wasn't the first time I've had to do it as a Mom. They seemed to understand. They are such strong, wonderful little girls. Later on in the evening they gave me little handmade cards and said a bedtime prayer for me. Isn't that sweet? The light is at the end of the tunnel and I know we'll get through it.
Speaking of light I learned something interesting from a sister survivor today. She had listened to a conference on triple negative breast cancer. Our type of breast cancer is only in about 15% of cases and most common in African American women. (Hence I have wondered how in the world did I get it?) There is some research now into the possibility that a deficiency in vitamin D may have something to do with the cancer. Breast cancer.org suggests that women with my type of cancer on vitamin D supplements (when combined with a low fat diet) may have a lower rate of reocurrence. I was never a sun worshiper for sure but I am not one to avoid the outdoors and lather on excess sunscreen either. I am planning on having my vitamin D levels tested the next time I see my medical oncologist. There is so much new data out there now, so much new research.
Genesis 58:8 says "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory
of the LORD will be your rear guard." The glory of the Lord as your rear guard. I love that.
Here's looking toward the light. Lots of love,
Kerry
Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could take the whirling emotions away from you. I am sorry that you need to walk through them to come out on the other side. I don't want to exist in a place with anger and wild emotions. It is not a fun place to be.
I have learned through your diagnosis that when a family member is in a health crisis, then the entire family walks though it. I would spare Laura, Leslie and Randy this journey if it was in my power, but it is not. Family walks through the valley, too.
I am glad you talked to the girls. I think, many times, kids simply need information and perspective. Once they realize it is not personal, then it is okay. The medicines make you cry, just as they caused your hair to come out. They also are shrinking your cancer and saving your life. Laura and Leslie will understand.
Deuteronomy 33:27, "The eternal God is your refuge, and his everlasing arms are under you." God understands the emotions, and so do I. You will walk through them. They will become your past instead of your present. You will feel like yourself again.
Today is a new day. It is beautiful in Virginia. I so thankful because John and the boys are going on a canoe trip. They are all so excited. I am amused because I am sending them to survive in the wilderness with "cookie dough poptarts". (Can you believe they make such a thing?)
Struggles can seem so overwelming. There are so many problems and concerns. The boys have taught me to enjoy the journey. It passes so quickly. We live our lives one day at a time.
Today is a new day, Kerry. I am so sorry for the chemo side effects, but it is so worth it to have you here today. I am so thankful I was able to talk to you today. You have so many great days ahead of you.
I am praying that you have a day filled with joy and peace. I wish I could be there today to give you a hug, but I am always with you in my thoughts.
Today is a new day, Kerry. It is going to be a great one!
Take care of yourself.
Remember how much I love you,
Mitzi
Dear Sweet Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that those rollercoaster emotions came back with gusto :-( I know it must be very scary to feel out of controll like that. You know me well enough to know how much I like to controll things, even things that aren't in my controll like other people's emotions. But, the reality is that God is in controll, even if I feel totally out of controll. As scary as this is, remember that God is with you in a powerful way and he will help you keep fighting during round 2. Afterall, round 1 was a total knockout :-)
You will come out of this stronger than ever and so will Randy and the girls. They have all sorts of wonderful memories; trips you've made, ball games, going to Mitzi's in the summer with cousins, family reunions and just quiet family outings that they will remember forever. The tough days where you are all emotional I think they understand are part of the physical trial you are in now and will not last long.
I know that like me you have very high expectations of yourself and probably had the unrealistic expectation that you could get through this trial with almost perfect parenting skills. But we are all doomed to fail with that expectation. Thank goodness God doesn't judge us with those standards and neither do the ones who love us :-) Don't be too hard on yourself and feel like you are a failure as a mom because you aren't a perfect mom in the midst of this. To have your hormones go from normal levels to very low levels so quickly would wreck havoc with any woman's emotions, not just yours :-) Hang in there sweet sis, and give yourself the grace that Randy, Laura and Leslie have-to mess up, apologize, be forgiven and then move on :-) I think that children are usually better at this than adults!
We will pray for wisdom and quidance as you make these tough decisions in round 2, so that when this is all over and you look back, you will know that every choice was the one God wanted you to make! We will also pray that these rollercoaster emotions go away for good! As Mitzi said, today is a new day and one can start over forgiven and loved :-)
Your big sis,
Shannon
(Marsha here)
ReplyDeletesweetie, just wait until you get perimenopause/menopause stuff. I totally know what you mean, and have nothing to blame it on to my kids LOL. I get that way postpartum and for the past 15 months, struggle with menopausal "stuff". Rage, weeping, craziness.....oh yeah! God's grace is sufficient, even the forgiveness of little girls LOL.