Dear friends and family,
I am back home! The surgery went really well. I was afraid I would be scared or lonely when it came time for the surgery to start but I wasn't. The truth is I barely remember that part at all. They started the anesthesia when I still had family around me.
I have two tubes sticking out of me that must be drained every few hours and a pain pump that hangs around my neck. I am sore and stiff but that is all. The scars are a little tough to take, but I know they are temporary and I feel at peace with my decision. Every day I feel better. I am so pleased to have made it downstairs to the computer by myself. That is my accomplishment for the day!
I am spending most of my time hanging out in the recliner watching TV while my wonderful husband waits on me hand and foot. (Sigh, it's a hard life). He is so wonderful. You all have been so wonderful. God is so good.
Laura and Leslie are up in VA with my sister Mitzi. Randy and I miss them but we know they are having a great time.
Thank you all so much for your prayers. Lots of love,
Kerry
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Out of Surgery
Kerry's surgery is complete and she is in recovery. Randy said that everything went well. Please continue to pray for healing both physically and emotionally as I know this will be a difficult time for her.
Monday, June 8, 2009
As Angels Watch Over Me Through the Night...
Hello Dear Friends and Family!
Obviously I've been thinking alot about my surgery lately. It will be Thursday morning at 8 am.
You know those Verizon Wireless commericals, the ones where a person has their entire phone network of like 100 people following them everywhere they go? Well for me surgery isn't like that. Well, it is but it feels like it isn't. Let me explain.
When I was diagnosed with cancer I had never had a major surgery before in my life. Now it looks like I will have three total in my breast cancer recovery, maybe more. The surgery is not life threatening or anything but it still is a little scary. I'm sure any of you out there who have had major surgery would say the same. Now of course the doctor is there. And I think the world of mine. But the people in this world you are used to relying on can't be right there to hold your hand. When you are wheeled into surgery your spouse can't go with you...your parents, your siblings, your friends. Sure they will be waiting for you on the other side and that makes a HUGE difference. But when it comes down to that moment when you go into surgery you are going into it ALONE. Your support network can't go with you. I knew all that in my head before but I never experienced it until I had cancer.
The truth is your "network" as wonderful as it is can't carry your burden for you. They can help you tremendously (and mine certainly has) but they can't take it from you. Like Christian in Pilgrim's Progress your burden in life (whatever that burden may be) is your own to carry.
The good news is that if you have Jesus in your heart you are NOT ALONE and He can make that burden seem light if you give it to Him. And what matters most when you are wheeled into that operating room right then and there is your relationship with God. You can either feel isolated at that moment or know you are in better hands.
When I tuck my girls into bed at night we say the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer. The version I said as a kid has the line "If I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take." I remember dreading that line as a kid, wishing I just could skip over it. As an adult now though I understand how comforting (not scary) that line really is. My kids and I say a version with the line "As Angels watch over me through the night until I wake in the morning light."
When I am wheeled into that operating room, I am not only going to picture my wonderful network waiting for me on the other side of the door (and praying for me all over the country) but I am also going to close my eyes and imagine an army of heavenly angels all around me, watching over me. I will not be alone. God will carry me through.
It reminds me of that beautiful poem "Footprints."
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets
of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me
and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest
and saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me
and I questioned the Lord
about my dilemma.
“Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome
times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I just don't understand why, when I needed You most,
You leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child,
I love you and will never leave you
never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints
it was then that I carried you.”
Margaret Fishback Powers
See you all on the other side of the operating room! Lots of love,
Kerry
Obviously I've been thinking alot about my surgery lately. It will be Thursday morning at 8 am.
You know those Verizon Wireless commericals, the ones where a person has their entire phone network of like 100 people following them everywhere they go? Well for me surgery isn't like that. Well, it is but it feels like it isn't. Let me explain.
When I was diagnosed with cancer I had never had a major surgery before in my life. Now it looks like I will have three total in my breast cancer recovery, maybe more. The surgery is not life threatening or anything but it still is a little scary. I'm sure any of you out there who have had major surgery would say the same. Now of course the doctor is there. And I think the world of mine. But the people in this world you are used to relying on can't be right there to hold your hand. When you are wheeled into surgery your spouse can't go with you...your parents, your siblings, your friends. Sure they will be waiting for you on the other side and that makes a HUGE difference. But when it comes down to that moment when you go into surgery you are going into it ALONE. Your support network can't go with you. I knew all that in my head before but I never experienced it until I had cancer.
The truth is your "network" as wonderful as it is can't carry your burden for you. They can help you tremendously (and mine certainly has) but they can't take it from you. Like Christian in Pilgrim's Progress your burden in life (whatever that burden may be) is your own to carry.
The good news is that if you have Jesus in your heart you are NOT ALONE and He can make that burden seem light if you give it to Him. And what matters most when you are wheeled into that operating room right then and there is your relationship with God. You can either feel isolated at that moment or know you are in better hands.
When I tuck my girls into bed at night we say the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer. The version I said as a kid has the line "If I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take." I remember dreading that line as a kid, wishing I just could skip over it. As an adult now though I understand how comforting (not scary) that line really is. My kids and I say a version with the line "As Angels watch over me through the night until I wake in the morning light."
When I am wheeled into that operating room, I am not only going to picture my wonderful network waiting for me on the other side of the door (and praying for me all over the country) but I am also going to close my eyes and imagine an army of heavenly angels all around me, watching over me. I will not be alone. God will carry me through.
It reminds me of that beautiful poem "Footprints."
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets
of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me
and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest
and saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me
and I questioned the Lord
about my dilemma.
“Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome
times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I just don't understand why, when I needed You most,
You leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child,
I love you and will never leave you
never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints
it was then that I carried you.”
Margaret Fishback Powers
See you all on the other side of the operating room! Lots of love,
Kerry
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Child-Like Faith
Hello Dear friends and family!
Child-like faith. That is what I hope to show to others. A contagious, child-like faith.
Mark 10:13-16 says,
And they were bringing children to Jesus so that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, “Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.” And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them.
This morning on Good Morning America I saw a story about a 10 year old girl with breast cancer. You heard me correctly...10 years old. Here's a link to her incredible story. Her positive outlook is amazing. I watched it and I cried. http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCallPlusBreastCancerNews/story?id=7739714&page=1
I have talked to a couple mothers whose children are battling or have battled cancer. Their spirit and outlook on life have been very inspirational to me. It is truly amazing and humbling what we can learn from children sometimes.
With this in mind we are happy to announce another new shirt! It was designed by Michelle at Luna B Tees and suggested by a mother whose little boy Phillip is in remission from leukemia. It is the God is so much bigger than Pediatric Cancer shirt! (Yeah!!!!) These are now available on lunabtee.com. I can't wait until after surgery when I can give some of these out!! Here's a link to the caringbridge site of that special family and a precious picture of Phillip modeling it. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/philipendres
Yesterday Randy and I had an appointment with my breast surgeon. We had a huge list of questions. She spent well over an hour with us going through the list answering each one by one. If there is one thing I have learned about breast cancer it is that it is VERY complicated. You can't expect "yes" and "no" answers to anything. The best doctor in the world can't give you those.
All the answers can be best summed up in two statements: every person is different and every breast cancer is different. I really don't know for sure yet how many surgeries I will have. I really don't know how long my recovery time will be. All they can give you are ranges and estimates. As a "planner" this can drive you a little crazy. There are also so many "what ifs" or unpredictable things that go wrong too, some of which I will have to watch for the rest of my life (lymphadema, blood clots,etc.). What the surgeon kept telling me was to not fixate on all the little unpredictable things but to just keep my eyes on the goal, the goal of being cancer free. I keep wanting the cancer treatments to be a sprint to the finish but clearly it is more of a marathon with unknown twists and turns.
My surgery is late next week. I am having a modified radical mastectomy with an expander on the right. Thanks so much for your continued prayer and support. I am READY for it. That child-like faith will see me through. Lots of love,
Kerry
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Wanting it GONE
Hello Prayer Warriors!
I got the results back from my MRI last night. They can no longer see any cancer in my lymph nodes or the couple smaller tumors in my chest! There is a small amount of cancer left where the biggest tumor was but nothing in comparison to its original size!
I am so excited that the chemo has so dramatically shrunk the cancer! I had hoped for a total knockout but it is okay. I will always wonder in the back of my mind if little cancer cells could still be out there. A complete knockout would have helped that fear but in a way it makes the double mastectomy an easier decision. It would have been harder somehow to loose that part of my body if the cancer had been completely gone. Regardless, the results are still miraculous! Praise God that the chemo was so effective!!
Today I thought I would tell everyone what an MRI of the breast is like in case you ever have to go in for future testing. This is the procedure I had last Thursday that gave me these results.
The good news is an MRI is not painful. The first thing they do is start an IV. You then have to lie down on a table on your stomach with your head in an oval cushion. You stretch your arms above your head. Your chest hangs down over this opening (which feels a little funny). They lower you back into a tunnel and you stay in that position for about 30 minutes. They give you earplugs because as the images are taken you hear lots of clicks and knocking sounds some of which do get loud. The only hard thing is remaining absoultely still and breathing while lying on your tummy. About 3/4 of the way through they will insert "contrast" into your IV. It is a liquid that makes the cancer stick out more in the imaging. I was told with my first MRI that they take about 1200 images.
I hope to have the date of the surgery set on Tuesday when I see the breast surgeon.Last Thursday I dropped off several more God is bigger than cancer shirts to Julie at the radiologist's office. She said they continue to be a blessing to others which makes me smile. She hopes to start a support group at the hospital to serve the Knoxville area. Thank you all for your continued prayer. Looking forward to the day when the cancer is GONE! Lots of love,
Kerry
I got the results back from my MRI last night. They can no longer see any cancer in my lymph nodes or the couple smaller tumors in my chest! There is a small amount of cancer left where the biggest tumor was but nothing in comparison to its original size!
I am so excited that the chemo has so dramatically shrunk the cancer! I had hoped for a total knockout but it is okay. I will always wonder in the back of my mind if little cancer cells could still be out there. A complete knockout would have helped that fear but in a way it makes the double mastectomy an easier decision. It would have been harder somehow to loose that part of my body if the cancer had been completely gone. Regardless, the results are still miraculous! Praise God that the chemo was so effective!!
Today I thought I would tell everyone what an MRI of the breast is like in case you ever have to go in for future testing. This is the procedure I had last Thursday that gave me these results.
The good news is an MRI is not painful. The first thing they do is start an IV. You then have to lie down on a table on your stomach with your head in an oval cushion. You stretch your arms above your head. Your chest hangs down over this opening (which feels a little funny). They lower you back into a tunnel and you stay in that position for about 30 minutes. They give you earplugs because as the images are taken you hear lots of clicks and knocking sounds some of which do get loud. The only hard thing is remaining absoultely still and breathing while lying on your tummy. About 3/4 of the way through they will insert "contrast" into your IV. It is a liquid that makes the cancer stick out more in the imaging. I was told with my first MRI that they take about 1200 images.
I hope to have the date of the surgery set on Tuesday when I see the breast surgeon.Last Thursday I dropped off several more God is bigger than cancer shirts to Julie at the radiologist's office. She said they continue to be a blessing to others which makes me smile. She hopes to start a support group at the hospital to serve the Knoxville area. Thank you all for your continued prayer. Looking forward to the day when the cancer is GONE! Lots of love,
Kerry
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Prayer for Upcoming Events
Hello dear family and friends!
I've been doing well since my last post.
The last round of chemo was harder, but I am so thankful for it. God is so good. For every moment that is a struggle I have a thousand more that are so, so wonderful.
On Thursday I will have an MRI to determine how much if any of the cancer remains. We know it has shrunk down dramatically. Please pray that it has been knocked out for good!
I want to remind everyone that Brooke Estrada from Las Vegas will be doing the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer on June 27th and 28th. It is a 2 day 39 mile walk through the Colorado Rockies. Let's cheer her on! Please continue to pray for Brooke as she prepares for the walk. Help her reach her goal of raising $1800 in the fight against breast cancer! Cut and paste this link to go to her personal web page:
http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR/Walk2009/Denver?px=3863583&pg=personal&fr_id=1810&et=93jebOVkVWWbZfOynpKaeg..&s_tafId=383633
Go Brooke!!!
I've been doing well since my last post.
The last round of chemo was harder, but I am so thankful for it. God is so good. For every moment that is a struggle I have a thousand more that are so, so wonderful.
On Thursday I will have an MRI to determine how much if any of the cancer remains. We know it has shrunk down dramatically. Please pray that it has been knocked out for good!
I want to remind everyone that Brooke Estrada from Las Vegas will be doing the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer on June 27th and 28th. It is a 2 day 39 mile walk through the Colorado Rockies. Let's cheer her on! Please continue to pray for Brooke as she prepares for the walk. Help her reach her goal of raising $1800 in the fight against breast cancer! Cut and paste this link to go to her personal web page:
http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR/Walk2009/Denver?px=3863583&pg=personal&fr_id=1810&et=93jebOVkVWWbZfOynpKaeg..&s_tafId=383633
Go Brooke!!!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Chemo's Last Kick
Rage. Rage so intense you feel like you have to hit something to get it out of your system. Then five minutes later you are on your knees weeping. You don't know why. You just are. The phrase in the Bible "weeping and gnashing of teeth" literally comes to mind. They're back....the insane hormones from my fourth treatment hit another peak the other day.
And what sets off this wild ride of emotions? It's just everyday things...my child losing her softball uniform, the kids bickering in the car, having to ask your child to do something three times. Normal everyday circumstances that you cope with all the time but with Chemo's last kick are harder to handle. My children just stare at me during these episodes in wonder, eventually trying to give me advice about "controlling my temper" and "Mommy just try to smile...you will feel better inside." Ouch! Then you cry because you feel bad about crying! How crazy is that? I feel so sad for my little girls and my husband. I feel so sad that they have to see me like this. At least I know it is temporary. My doctor said it might get worse before it gets better and it has. Last night I sat my girls down and explained to them that the medicine was affecting me. I had to ask their forgiveness for my outbursts of emotion. It certainly wasn't the first time I've had to do it as a Mom. They seemed to understand. They are such strong, wonderful little girls. Later on in the evening they gave me little handmade cards and said a bedtime prayer for me. Isn't that sweet? The light is at the end of the tunnel and I know we'll get through it.
Speaking of light I learned something interesting from a sister survivor today. She had listened to a conference on triple negative breast cancer. Our type of breast cancer is only in about 15% of cases and most common in African American women. (Hence I have wondered how in the world did I get it?) There is some research now into the possibility that a deficiency in vitamin D may have something to do with the cancer. Breast cancer.org suggests that women with my type of cancer on vitamin D supplements (when combined with a low fat diet) may have a lower rate of reocurrence. I was never a sun worshiper for sure but I am not one to avoid the outdoors and lather on excess sunscreen either. I am planning on having my vitamin D levels tested the next time I see my medical oncologist. There is so much new data out there now, so much new research.
Genesis 58:8 says "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory
of the LORD will be your rear guard." The glory of the Lord as your rear guard. I love that.
Here's looking toward the light. Lots of love,
Kerry
And what sets off this wild ride of emotions? It's just everyday things...my child losing her softball uniform, the kids bickering in the car, having to ask your child to do something three times. Normal everyday circumstances that you cope with all the time but with Chemo's last kick are harder to handle. My children just stare at me during these episodes in wonder, eventually trying to give me advice about "controlling my temper" and "Mommy just try to smile...you will feel better inside." Ouch! Then you cry because you feel bad about crying! How crazy is that? I feel so sad for my little girls and my husband. I feel so sad that they have to see me like this. At least I know it is temporary. My doctor said it might get worse before it gets better and it has. Last night I sat my girls down and explained to them that the medicine was affecting me. I had to ask their forgiveness for my outbursts of emotion. It certainly wasn't the first time I've had to do it as a Mom. They seemed to understand. They are such strong, wonderful little girls. Later on in the evening they gave me little handmade cards and said a bedtime prayer for me. Isn't that sweet? The light is at the end of the tunnel and I know we'll get through it.
Speaking of light I learned something interesting from a sister survivor today. She had listened to a conference on triple negative breast cancer. Our type of breast cancer is only in about 15% of cases and most common in African American women. (Hence I have wondered how in the world did I get it?) There is some research now into the possibility that a deficiency in vitamin D may have something to do with the cancer. Breast cancer.org suggests that women with my type of cancer on vitamin D supplements (when combined with a low fat diet) may have a lower rate of reocurrence. I was never a sun worshiper for sure but I am not one to avoid the outdoors and lather on excess sunscreen either. I am planning on having my vitamin D levels tested the next time I see my medical oncologist. There is so much new data out there now, so much new research.
Genesis 58:8 says "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory
of the LORD will be your rear guard." The glory of the Lord as your rear guard. I love that.
Here's looking toward the light. Lots of love,
Kerry
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