Hello dear family and friends!
Tomorrow morning I am having my first reconstructive surgery. I am a little nervous, but also excited. Alot of people I've told about reconstruction automatically assume that it is just breast implant surgery, but it is not. That is a later surgery.
Tomorrow's surgery is the first of three surgeries and the most complicated. The surgeon will take skin and muscle from my back and transplant it over my left chest to "rebuild" it. As I understand it, the radiation and scaring has damaged my original skin. By replacing the skin they can implant a temporary muscle expander which will have to be injected with saline on 6-7 different occassions to fully stretch the skin. I have surfed the net doing research so I know what to expect with the scars when I come out of surgery. It seems a bit morbid I know but it did serve me well last time with the mastectomy and prevented some of the initial shock. Plus I have already had the muscle expander put in on the right side so I know what it feels like and will only have one side affected this go around.
As I picture myself on the operating table one funny thing is I keep having the themes from those 70's shows 'The Six Milion Dollar Man" and "The Bionic Woman" running through my head. Obviously there is no comparison here but it has made me laugh.
Laura and Leslie are up at Aunt Mitzi's house. It is strangely quiet around here and we miss them, but Randy and I are thankful that they are safe, happy and having lots of fun.
I really appreciated everyone's comments about my cancerversary in the last post. I have decided to celebrate it each year by dropping off a care package at the cancer ward where I was treated. It seems like a fitting way to celebrate. I am mailing out two today. One to a bc sister and one to a child with cancer.
It is so nice to be getting on with life. I have become quite the organic eating, vegetable-chopping chef around here. I hope to participate in the Knoxville Covenant Health 5 K coming up late March. We are planning family trips again...looking ahead to the future while still enjoying the moment. Despite the fact that I was diagnosed with cancer and Randy with diabetes this year, I actually have aspirations that I will be "better than I was before....better, stronger, faster." When all this is said and done, maybe I will be healthier. I may be only 5 feet 1 inches tall but every bit of me cries out, "Look out Bionic woman! Here I come!" Lots of love to all,
Kerry
Monday, January 25, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
My 1st Cancerversary
Saturday January 16th is my first cancerversary. It will be a year ago from the day when I was officially diagnosed with breast cancer.
A doctor actually looked me in the eye on January 7th of last year and told me I had it, but I didn't officially get diagnosed until the test results came back on the 16th.
January of last year was truly the most awful month in my life. Ironically, it was also the most miraculous month of my life. It was when things were the worst that I felt God's love and presence the most.
I have a friend whose house burned down a few weeks ago, two days after Christmas. She said whenever she gets frightened or worried about where they are going to live day to day and how they are going to get by she can immediately feel a presence intervene on her behalf. She described it as an invisible hand that comes between her and those dark emotions and holds them back just when she needs it. I thought that was such a beautiful description.
January 16 will always be my cancerversary. I would like to mark it by doing something special and meaningful every year. A few weeks ago I read a story in the newspaper about a woman whose son died long ago. On the anniversary of his death, she goes and visits his favorite park. She's been doing it for 30+ years. I would like my cancerversary to be like that.
Hope the new year is being as good a blessing to you as it is to me. Lots of love,
Kerry
A doctor actually looked me in the eye on January 7th of last year and told me I had it, but I didn't officially get diagnosed until the test results came back on the 16th.
January of last year was truly the most awful month in my life. Ironically, it was also the most miraculous month of my life. It was when things were the worst that I felt God's love and presence the most.
I have a friend whose house burned down a few weeks ago, two days after Christmas. She said whenever she gets frightened or worried about where they are going to live day to day and how they are going to get by she can immediately feel a presence intervene on her behalf. She described it as an invisible hand that comes between her and those dark emotions and holds them back just when she needs it. I thought that was such a beautiful description.
January 16 will always be my cancerversary. I would like to mark it by doing something special and meaningful every year. A few weeks ago I read a story in the newspaper about a woman whose son died long ago. On the anniversary of his death, she goes and visits his favorite park. She's been doing it for 30+ years. I would like my cancerversary to be like that.
Hope the new year is being as good a blessing to you as it is to me. Lots of love,
Kerry
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Wanting Justice in a Fallen World
Last night I couldn't sleep because I was so mad.
We have two toy collies. They are confined to the yard by a pet fence. Monday morning a big German Shepherd wandered onto our property and attacked our 11 pound male named Stradivarius. (Our little dog with the big heart and the big name). Strad is the sweetest dog. He always lets our female Mandy eat first. When the girls were little they used to give him rides in a little doll stroller.
Around 8 a.m. we heard a commotion. When we opened the door Strad bolted inside, bleeding profusely. I saw the other dog leaving our property and heading down the street. He had ripped a hole in Strad's side. As you can imagine this was quite a traumatic sight for Laura and Leslie. I was pretty sure though it was not life-threatening, so I reassured my girls and we rushed Strad to the vet. She confirmed he was the victim of a dog attack. He was kept at the vet's office all day while she gave him anesthesia, performed surgery, implanted a drain and stitched him up.
When we got home around 10 a.m. the dog was still wandering the neighborhood. I called my next door neighbor who also has dogs to warn him about it. I had a very clear description of the dog, including the width and color of his collar. It turned out my neighbor's son had seen that dog wandering around in our yard before dawn and he knew who it belonged to. It belonged to a relative of his who lives on a neighboring street. The dog had chased his sister in law and bitten a total of 3 people in the neighborhood recently. The owner had been ordered by the court to keep the dog on a leash or in a fenced in yard. He had basically boasted to my neighbor that he let the dog out at night anyway because "no one is outside after 10 p.m."
Strad stayed all day at the vet. Following anesthesia and surgery they stitched him up. Fortunately no vital organs were injured. He came home with a drain sticking out of his side and stitches with a scar over 4 inches long covering an one side of his body. He couldn't walk at all for 24 hours. We have thus far had to pay $350 and have at least two more follow up visits to remove the drain and the stitching. I anticipate we'll end up spending at least $500 total.
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And the owner's reaction to the news when his relative called him and told him what had happened? He didn't care. In fact he got mad that my neighbor told us who the dog belonged to. I called the police and filled out a police report. The policeman visited the owner and warned him about keeping the dog restrained. Then he told me unless I had witnessed the attack there was nothing he could do. He said next time if the dog ventured onto our property we had the right to defend ourselves and shoot it. And that was the best advice he could give. No consequences for the owner who violated the court order. No restitution. That was it.
My kids are now afraid to go outside. Every time I open the front door I find myself looking anxiously around to make sure that dog isn't around. There are at least three toddlers in our neighborhood. I am concerned for their safety too. My kids are asking me if someone is going to punish that owner or if he is going to pay our vet bills. When I told them I didn't know they said, "We need to call Judge Judy."
Right now all I can tell them is that "what goes around comes around" and "you reap what you sow." It doesn't alleviate the anger but I know it is a true principle. I don't know how some people live with themselves sometimes. At least we can sleep well at night. Now that is a blessing. Lots of love,
Kerry
We have two toy collies. They are confined to the yard by a pet fence. Monday morning a big German Shepherd wandered onto our property and attacked our 11 pound male named Stradivarius. (Our little dog with the big heart and the big name). Strad is the sweetest dog. He always lets our female Mandy eat first. When the girls were little they used to give him rides in a little doll stroller.
Around 8 a.m. we heard a commotion. When we opened the door Strad bolted inside, bleeding profusely. I saw the other dog leaving our property and heading down the street. He had ripped a hole in Strad's side. As you can imagine this was quite a traumatic sight for Laura and Leslie. I was pretty sure though it was not life-threatening, so I reassured my girls and we rushed Strad to the vet. She confirmed he was the victim of a dog attack. He was kept at the vet's office all day while she gave him anesthesia, performed surgery, implanted a drain and stitched him up.
When we got home around 10 a.m. the dog was still wandering the neighborhood. I called my next door neighbor who also has dogs to warn him about it. I had a very clear description of the dog, including the width and color of his collar. It turned out my neighbor's son had seen that dog wandering around in our yard before dawn and he knew who it belonged to. It belonged to a relative of his who lives on a neighboring street. The dog had chased his sister in law and bitten a total of 3 people in the neighborhood recently. The owner had been ordered by the court to keep the dog on a leash or in a fenced in yard. He had basically boasted to my neighbor that he let the dog out at night anyway because "no one is outside after 10 p.m."
Strad stayed all day at the vet. Following anesthesia and surgery they stitched him up. Fortunately no vital organs were injured. He came home with a drain sticking out of his side and stitches with a scar over 4 inches long covering an one side of his body. He couldn't walk at all for 24 hours. We have thus far had to pay $350 and have at least two more follow up visits to remove the drain and the stitching. I anticipate we'll end up spending at least $500 total.
.JPG)
My kids are now afraid to go outside. Every time I open the front door I find myself looking anxiously around to make sure that dog isn't around. There are at least three toddlers in our neighborhood. I am concerned for their safety too. My kids are asking me if someone is going to punish that owner or if he is going to pay our vet bills. When I told them I didn't know they said, "We need to call Judge Judy."
Right now all I can tell them is that "what goes around comes around" and "you reap what you sow." It doesn't alleviate the anger but I know it is a true principle. I don't know how some people live with themselves sometimes. At least we can sleep well at night. Now that is a blessing. Lots of love,
Kerry
Sunday, December 27, 2009
What I learned through my Breast Cancer Year
Hello!
As many of you will recall on my first visit to my breast surgeon, she said that 2009was going to be my "breast cancer year." She said it was going to be yucky and rough. I should just write that year off and look ahead to resuming a normal life once the cancer was gone. It is certainly true that 2009 was a stinky year for us. Not only did we deal with my cancer diagnosis, but we had other accidents and medical conditions arise in our family that almost seemed too much to bear in light of what we were already dealing with.
The good news is that all our loved ones are alive and well and that, despite it all, I don't want to just "write off" 2009. Why? Well because there were some good things that happened in 2009 and because I can certainly say I am leaving it a wiser and more spiritually mature person than I was a year ago. Here are several things I learned during my breast cancer year. Some of these I knew anyway but having had cancer (seeing what I saw and experiencing what I experienced) really drove them home. I have to admit that on others of these (sweating the small stuff for example) I am still very much a work in progress, but then if we are really growing spiritally aren't we all?
DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF Did the cake you baked collapse right before the Christmas party? Is the laundry pile taller than you and your to do list a mile long? Sweating the small stuff is not worth it. Do your best. Do what you can when you can and then let it go.
TAKE OFF THOSE BLINDERS! You think you got it bad? Just visit a cancer ward. Read the blog of a child with cancer. There is always someone out there in a worse situation than you are. If you take the time to care, you will see those people in need everywhere.
REMEMBER YOUR BLESSINGS My pastor said this once: Stand in the middle of your house. close your eyes and then reopen them and imagine that everyone and everything around you has a big red bow on it. Everyone and everything in your life is a blessing, a gift on loan from God.
HAPPINESS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU ACHIEVE. IT IS AN ATTITUDE. My Internist told me if I had a good attitude my chances of coming through the fight well were higher. I tell recently diagnosed women that I was able to live a full life on chemo. What I learned from it was that your good days will usually outnumber your bad ones, especially if your attitude is right.
WE ARE ALL DYING. Live a healthy lifestyle so you can feel good about how you have treated your body as a temple of the holy spirit. I have some guilt for being a little overweight, eating alot of processed foods and such. At the same time I know women who did everything right and still got cancer. No one deserves cancer. You cannot be so healthy as to forever avoid cancer. We are all just mortals and the reality is we are all dying. Life is short. Enjoy every moment. Every day you wake up feeling good and can do what you enjoy is a privilege.
BE A PIPE AND NOT A POT. Be a giver not a taker. We all have spiritual gifts. Discover what yours is and then act on it. It will bring joy to your heart. This often means stepping outside of your comfort zone. Solomon asked for wisdom. If I could ask for one gift from God it would be to always know what to say and what to do to encourage another person. I feel ill equipped in that department. Yet I have often found that when those moments arrive, if you are committed to doing something, the words and actions will come to you. Sometimes it is not so much that you say or do just the right thing but that you show you care by DOING SOMETHING.
GOD IS BIGGER. He hears our prayers. Open your eyes and listen. Look for the coincidences that aren't coincidences but spiritual interventions in your life. God is bigger than anything. You are not in this fallen world with its hardships and uncontrollable circumstances by yourself. He is with you. Accept him as your Savior now because you can't do life on your own.
For the first time I am truly thrilled that a year in my life is over. Randy and I have always been "watch the ball drop" sort of people on New Years. This year we really mean to celebrate the New Year. It is afterall such a gift. Blessings to you all for the New Year! Lots of love,
Kerry
As many of you will recall on my first visit to my breast surgeon, she said that 2009was going to be my "breast cancer year." She said it was going to be yucky and rough. I should just write that year off and look ahead to resuming a normal life once the cancer was gone. It is certainly true that 2009 was a stinky year for us. Not only did we deal with my cancer diagnosis, but we had other accidents and medical conditions arise in our family that almost seemed too much to bear in light of what we were already dealing with.
The good news is that all our loved ones are alive and well and that, despite it all, I don't want to just "write off" 2009. Why? Well because there were some good things that happened in 2009 and because I can certainly say I am leaving it a wiser and more spiritually mature person than I was a year ago. Here are several things I learned during my breast cancer year. Some of these I knew anyway but having had cancer (seeing what I saw and experiencing what I experienced) really drove them home. I have to admit that on others of these (sweating the small stuff for example) I am still very much a work in progress, but then if we are really growing spiritally aren't we all?
DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF Did the cake you baked collapse right before the Christmas party? Is the laundry pile taller than you and your to do list a mile long? Sweating the small stuff is not worth it. Do your best. Do what you can when you can and then let it go.
TAKE OFF THOSE BLINDERS! You think you got it bad? Just visit a cancer ward. Read the blog of a child with cancer. There is always someone out there in a worse situation than you are. If you take the time to care, you will see those people in need everywhere.
REMEMBER YOUR BLESSINGS My pastor said this once: Stand in the middle of your house. close your eyes and then reopen them and imagine that everyone and everything around you has a big red bow on it. Everyone and everything in your life is a blessing, a gift on loan from God.
HAPPINESS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU ACHIEVE. IT IS AN ATTITUDE. My Internist told me if I had a good attitude my chances of coming through the fight well were higher. I tell recently diagnosed women that I was able to live a full life on chemo. What I learned from it was that your good days will usually outnumber your bad ones, especially if your attitude is right.
WE ARE ALL DYING. Live a healthy lifestyle so you can feel good about how you have treated your body as a temple of the holy spirit. I have some guilt for being a little overweight, eating alot of processed foods and such. At the same time I know women who did everything right and still got cancer. No one deserves cancer. You cannot be so healthy as to forever avoid cancer. We are all just mortals and the reality is we are all dying. Life is short. Enjoy every moment. Every day you wake up feeling good and can do what you enjoy is a privilege.
BE A PIPE AND NOT A POT. Be a giver not a taker. We all have spiritual gifts. Discover what yours is and then act on it. It will bring joy to your heart. This often means stepping outside of your comfort zone. Solomon asked for wisdom. If I could ask for one gift from God it would be to always know what to say and what to do to encourage another person. I feel ill equipped in that department. Yet I have often found that when those moments arrive, if you are committed to doing something, the words and actions will come to you. Sometimes it is not so much that you say or do just the right thing but that you show you care by DOING SOMETHING.
GOD IS BIGGER. He hears our prayers. Open your eyes and listen. Look for the coincidences that aren't coincidences but spiritual interventions in your life. God is bigger than anything. You are not in this fallen world with its hardships and uncontrollable circumstances by yourself. He is with you. Accept him as your Savior now because you can't do life on your own.
For the first time I am truly thrilled that a year in my life is over. Randy and I have always been "watch the ball drop" sort of people on New Years. This year we really mean to celebrate the New Year. It is afterall such a gift. Blessings to you all for the New Year! Lots of love,
Kerry
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Merry Christmas to All!!
It's Christmas Eve! Last night our family drove around town in our p.j.'s and looked at Christmas lights. I have been wanting to do it for years and we finally got to do it. It was so much fun. We then stopped at Starbucks for some of their decadent hot chocolate. This morning we have been baking up a storm. Laura and Leslie are filled with anticipation about what Santa will bring. (I am hoping for some sleep tonight but am not counting on it) ;). Last year the girls started waking us up every hour at 1 a.m. and we gave up around 5 a.m. I have a feeling we won't make it that long this year. What a blessing it is to be here able to enjoy Christmas.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
And most of all, Happy Birthday Jesus!!
Lots of love,
Kerry
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
And most of all, Happy Birthday Jesus!!
Lots of love,
Kerry
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Why God Gave Me Great Sisters
Hello!
Yesterday out of the blue I had a question pop into my head. "Why did God give me my sisters?"
God has given me two of the best women in the world as my sisters. God has also given me alot of wonderful spirit sisters, women who I have connected with who prayed for me and cheered me on in my fight. I believe God brought these women into my life for lots of reasons. One reason I believe was to show me how to be a "spirit sister" to others. One way I do this is to follow the stories of these remarkable women and pray for them daily. Many have links on the side of my page. Others I follow on caringbridge.
There are two whose links I want to share with you today. The first is Emily, a young mom earning her PhD with a fantastic fighting spirit. www.emesurvivor.wordpress.com The second is Sarah, an amazing 24 year old with awesome faith. www.sarahkathryndavis.blogspot.com
Please pray for them and lift them up in the fight. Lots of love,
Kerry
Yesterday out of the blue I had a question pop into my head. "Why did God give me my sisters?"
God has given me two of the best women in the world as my sisters. God has also given me alot of wonderful spirit sisters, women who I have connected with who prayed for me and cheered me on in my fight. I believe God brought these women into my life for lots of reasons. One reason I believe was to show me how to be a "spirit sister" to others. One way I do this is to follow the stories of these remarkable women and pray for them daily. Many have links on the side of my page. Others I follow on caringbridge.
There are two whose links I want to share with you today. The first is Emily, a young mom earning her PhD with a fantastic fighting spirit. www.emesurvivor.wordpress.com The second is Sarah, an amazing 24 year old with awesome faith. www.sarahkathryndavis.blogspot.com
Please pray for them and lift them up in the fight. Lots of love,
Kerry
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The Best Christmas Ever
Hello!
It feels good to post again. It has been way too long. Thanksgiving, Leslie's birthday as well as end of the semester school projects and activities have kept me busy.
I have actually been dreading the Christmas season a little bit this time around. I was diagnosed last year a few weeks after Christmas. The onset of the cold weather has reminded me of the last time I felt cold when I was in the midst of all my chemo trips. I know it is silly really but it makes it hard to get in the "Christmas spirit."
As we were putting up the tree last weekend it struck me how differently I view the world now than I did last Christmas. It seems like I was somewhat naive back then, plugging through the holidays with blinders on while the whole time I knew I had a big lump under my arm. Never once at that time did it ever even cross my mind that it was cancer. I knew cancer could happen to me. I knew bad things could happen, but I was just too busy to even stop and think about it. I am certainly not that way now. Every odd or unexpected pain now makes me wonder. It never did before. And so it has been hard lately to feel much Christmas cheer.
All of that changed today though when we experienced our first snowfall. It wasn't a particularly large snowfall, maybe and inch or two, but the snow was perfect for lots of family fun. We were all out this morning building a snowman. It was the coolest one ever I might add thanks to perfect conditions and a snowman kit (which was a Christmas present from my sister's family three years ago) that we were finally able to use to its fullest. The snowman had two faces, one in the front that we could see from our house window and one in the back close to the road for cars driving by to see. We had so much fun. When we finally came inside for some hot cholocate Leslie said, "This is going to be the best Christmas ever." And she is so right. As usual I was letting myself dwell on my cancer past and all the negative aspects of the season...all the hustle, bustle and work. But this morning I got a reminder of just how lucky I am. I get to experience it all...writing out all those Christmas cards, the packed shopping malls, the wrapping, the baking, the feasting and most especially celebrating the birth of our blessed Lord and Savior. I am constantly amazed at how my kids help me put things into perspective sometimes. So come Christmas! Come! Merry Christmas everyone! Lots of love,
Kerry
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