Hello Prayer Warriors!
Four months ago I began to fight my cancer. Like a boxer putting on boxing gloves and heading into a ring for a grueling match I prepared myself at that time for a long fight. My surgeon had said this would be my "breast cancer year." I knew there would be several rounds...chemo, surgery, radiation, reconstruction, each with its own set of challenges.
Round 1 for me was chemotheraphy. The decisions in this round were simple. Chemo was the fastest, most effective and only systematic way to attack the cancer. Hormone therapies are less effective on someone with triple negative breast cancer like me. With the chemotherapy over now I feel like the round 1 bell has just sounded. I've won the round! Tumors have shrunk! I'm not down for the count! But this is just round one. I've got several more tough rounds to go.
So today I moved forward into round 2. I'm back in the ring, this time laying down the strategy for a successful surgery. The decisions in this round are more complicated. Do I opt for a single or double mastectomy? Do I plan for reconstruction or not? If I plan to do reconstruction later do I have inserted an expander (a new liquid-filled balloon that adjusts in size) to stretch the skin for future implants on one side or both? How does an expander impact radiation? What if the expander fails or is damaged by the radiation? Does that mean another surgery or delay of my radition treatments? If I don't do the expander tissue called a transflap will have to be taken from my back or tummy to create the muscle support needed for reconstruction. How will that effect recovery time/healing?
The decisions involved in this round are dizzying. I have talked to women who (when faced with the same decisions) made very different choices. You also have 3-4 doctors weighing in with differing opinions. I've had two tell me I am not a candidate for an expander on the left but am on the right and one tell me I am a candidate for the expander on both sides. A part of me just wants a date for the surgery, a date when I can get round two outta here, but I've talked to enough women with regrets that I don't want to be looking back wondering to myself, "Well what if I had done this...or that?"
And so today I marched back into that Plastic Surgeon's office with my GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN CANCER shirt and my movie star glasses (which looked maaaarvelous by the way). I was hoping to get some answers to all my questions.
The first time I went to the plastic surgeon's office I felt "freaky." I saw all these beautiful women who I assumed were striving for physical perfection. I had to wonder to myself "Why are they here?" And then there was me feeling like (because of the cancer) I was going to be mutilated and then "put back together" like a frankenstein. This time I dropped the self-conscious attitude of the previous trip. I again saw several beautiful women around me, but I didn't speculate about what they were doing there. I focused on what I was doing there. I focused on the fact that the surgery is part of my strategy to defeat the cancer, my battle plan. A mastectomy would hopefully defeat the cancer physically. As a triple negative, my chance of reoccurance is high. I have heard of women with reoccurances who endured chemo and surgery AGAIN years after their initial diagnosis. I refuse to be one of those women. When I throw that one two punch on that cancer I want to knock it out for good.
Then I want to defeat the cancer emotionally. It is my choice...all of it, and here is where reconstruction enters into it. I don't want to be wrapped up in the physical, seeking perfection as some are but I want to be as "normal" as possible. And when I stopped to think about it I realized that's what all the women in that office wanted. We are all God's beautiful creations. If only we could see ourselves as He sees us... "beautifully and wonderfully made." Seeing beyond the physical but finding a healthy "normal." That's where I need to be. That's where I am headed in my emotional battle with breast cancer.
When I went into the plastic surgeon's office I was hoping to get some answers and set the date for the surgery. What I got were more questions. But you know what, that's okay. I've got lots of phone calls to do, lots of opinions still to gather and lots of decisions to make. Please pray for insight and for patience on my part in making these decisions. I may be in a holding pattern for now but when I go out swinging to fight the cancer again it will be once and for all. As a friend pointed out to me one time, my initials aren't "K.O." for nothing!
I am clinging to the following verse: Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.(NIV)
Lots of love,
Kerry
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Chemo Graduation- Breast Cancer Style!!!
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Hello dear friends and family!!
It's the season for graduations. I had a big graduation and milestone of my own today. I graduated chemo. 18 weeks...6 rounds...done, finis, outta here, hasta la vista baby, history! Yeah!!!!
It is funny the emotions I have. I am SO glad to be done with the chemo, especially all that it has done to me physically. I've continued to develop some weird side effects....a rash on my hands, numbness on my feet, sudden bursts of tears, all of which my doctor tells me are "normal" for chemo. Only my gray eyebrows seem to be hanging in there so I've been using a pencil to "draw" some visible ones in. Despite everything I've experienced, my doctor said I "breezed" through it. Guess that means I was top of my class! :) Again how lucky and I am to be healthy overall. It makes a big difference. I will miss the every three week visit with my wonderful doctor and the terrific nurses that always gave me the hugs and smiles that I needed to keep racing toward that chemo finish line.
Today they gave me a send off "breast cancer style..." with pink, pink and more pink! I was presented with a pink rhinestone hat and a pink feather boa. To the music of "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands.." we all got up and danced and one of the nurses blew bubbles on me. The other patients in the room and their families applauded. A funny ritual, but I cannot tell you what it meant to my heart. I know I won't be in the chemo room as a patient anymore, but I know I will be there. It is so laid on my heart to return and return often...to give out shirts to those cancer patients, to hear their stories, to help them see how God has worked in my life and how He can in theirs.
As I approached the chemo room to begin my last treatment I saw a man with a black grapefruit sized tumor on his jaw & cheek. It broke my heart. Then I looked up and I saw a man staring at my shirt. "Good Luck" he said with a big smile on his face. It was the last chemo cheer before I crossed my chemo finish line, pink boa and rhinestone hat and all! Thank you all for cheering me on.
In Acts 20:24 Paul said "I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me–the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." I have finished this leg of the race but there is more to come, much more. I so long to be a contagious christian. I have a mental image of running the race and then seeing others join in running side by side because they see something that is different about you, about me, about all of us who know Jesus. I can't wait to see what HE has in store. I so want to fulfill His purpose for me and run my race and run it well. Don't you?
Next Monday I go back to the plastic surgeons office. Many of you remember it was not an easy visit for me last time. I am going to go in there with my movie star glasses on, and walk through the waiting room like it is a catwalk with my head held high. LOOK OUT WORLD!!! HERE I COME!! Lots of love,
Kerry
Friday, May 8, 2009
Breast Cancer Birthday & Being the Bummer Mom
There have been several times since my diagnosis when I have been the "bummer mom." In other words, you (in your children's mind) are the bummer. You've kept your child from something they really want. If you are a mom you've been there. (And many times it is part of the job description). I have tried all I can the last several months to give my children a "normal" life, but there have been many times over the course of my chemotheraphy when I have had to disappoint my children.
I did it last night as well. We were at a Lady Vols softball game. It was 9:30 with three innings to go. We'd been there for four hours. The game was terrific. We'd all had a wonderful time but I was exhausted. It had been a busy day. I have had stomach trouble ever since my last treatment (still not bad, but more constant) and we had a 45 minute drive home. It was time to go. My daughters' entire softball team was there, all with notepads waiting until the end of the game to get the college players' autographs. But not my children. Their mommy is "sick" and we "had to go."
On the way home it was all I heard about. We've had this conversation many times before. One of my daughters was very angry that she was "missing out." They were not tired. I was tired. I was the problem. The truth of it is I don't like disappointing my children. BUT disappointment is part of life and they were choosing to see the hour they missed out on at the ball park not the four hours there they were able to enjoy.
This night came on the heels of a week when I have been the recipient of so many blessings, packages, caring cards & letters from friends and family. (Thank you coop friends, Amy, Lorrie, Christine, Aunt Pat):) It really bothered me that my children were oblivious to the blessings all around us, even something so simple as a softball game. I had to explain to them that the three of us being healthy enough to spend the night at a softball game was a privilege. (Most mommies going through chemo, I explained, couldn't do that). Having the car to get us there and the money to pay for the gas was a privilege. Having the people in our lives who cared enough to invite us and fellowship with us there was a privilege. Having the luxury of time to go was a privilege. Every day is a privilege.
We started focusing on what we had, not what we didn't have and then I believe my kids "got it." Only then did my girls start talking about how exciting the game was, how skilled the players were, how much fun we'd had. By the time we pulled into the driveway I believe my children finally understood how privileged, how absolutely priveleged they were to have even gone at all.
It got me thinking how much our human nature is like that sometimes. God has given us so much, so many blessings. Often times we focus on the things we don't have in our lives. Sometimes we feel as though we're missing out. Sometimes we feel like we've been denied something, maybe even that God has denied us something when the whole time we have blinders on, unable to see that He is absolutely showering us with blessings. I personally feel absolutely drenched in them.
Monday is my birthday. I will be 38 years old. I am calling this my Breast Cancer Birthday. I intend for it to be my ONLY Breast Cancer Birthday. Being a year older is a another privilege that I plan to enjoy. (And I don't even have any gray hairs this year)! :) Lots of love,
Kerry
I did it last night as well. We were at a Lady Vols softball game. It was 9:30 with three innings to go. We'd been there for four hours. The game was terrific. We'd all had a wonderful time but I was exhausted. It had been a busy day. I have had stomach trouble ever since my last treatment (still not bad, but more constant) and we had a 45 minute drive home. It was time to go. My daughters' entire softball team was there, all with notepads waiting until the end of the game to get the college players' autographs. But not my children. Their mommy is "sick" and we "had to go."
On the way home it was all I heard about. We've had this conversation many times before. One of my daughters was very angry that she was "missing out." They were not tired. I was tired. I was the problem. The truth of it is I don't like disappointing my children. BUT disappointment is part of life and they were choosing to see the hour they missed out on at the ball park not the four hours there they were able to enjoy.
This night came on the heels of a week when I have been the recipient of so many blessings, packages, caring cards & letters from friends and family. (Thank you coop friends, Amy, Lorrie, Christine, Aunt Pat):) It really bothered me that my children were oblivious to the blessings all around us, even something so simple as a softball game. I had to explain to them that the three of us being healthy enough to spend the night at a softball game was a privilege. (Most mommies going through chemo, I explained, couldn't do that). Having the car to get us there and the money to pay for the gas was a privilege. Having the people in our lives who cared enough to invite us and fellowship with us there was a privilege. Having the luxury of time to go was a privilege. Every day is a privilege.
We started focusing on what we had, not what we didn't have and then I believe my kids "got it." Only then did my girls start talking about how exciting the game was, how skilled the players were, how much fun we'd had. By the time we pulled into the driveway I believe my children finally understood how privileged, how absolutely priveleged they were to have even gone at all.
It got me thinking how much our human nature is like that sometimes. God has given us so much, so many blessings. Often times we focus on the things we don't have in our lives. Sometimes we feel as though we're missing out. Sometimes we feel like we've been denied something, maybe even that God has denied us something when the whole time we have blinders on, unable to see that He is absolutely showering us with blessings. I personally feel absolutely drenched in them.
Monday is my birthday. I will be 38 years old. I am calling this my Breast Cancer Birthday. I intend for it to be my ONLY Breast Cancer Birthday. Being a year older is a another privilege that I plan to enjoy. (And I don't even have any gray hairs this year)! :) Lots of love,
Kerry
Saturday, May 2, 2009
I've got the Joy, Joy, Joy Down in My Heart....
Hello Dear Friends and Family!
Last night I had the pleasure of attending my first Relay for Life event. It was in Jefferson County. My inlaws, aunts on Randy's side and even my mother in law's employer were there to walk for cancer. The event was very touching.
Everyone there who had ever battled cancer wore special survivor shirts and sat in the center of the Jefferson Co High football stadium. I was struck by how young those people looked. There were several children and I can truly say not as many gray heads as you would have thought. Dozens of school and business teams sat behind us in the bleachers. Our speaker was also a breast cancer survivor. She talked about how many cancer survivors she'd met were people of JOY, not because life had been easy on them but because they saw life with new eyes, with a clarity that comes from the cancer itself. She encouraged us not just to walk around the track but to dance around it. It reminded me of that song we sang as kids "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart..."
Then it came time for us to walk. They called each survivor's name one by one and stated how long they had battled cancer. One person had battled it for a month. Another was a 42 year survivor. Each person walked past the others to the track and received a Relay for Life medal from the mayor. Once they had called everyone's names, we lined up together on the track and began to walk, wiggle and boogie our way around the track. I saw several women with bald heads like mine, people with canes to support themselves, people with tubes coming out of their bodies. I saw what looked like a 7-8 year old boy with colon cancer. They all walked. They walked around that track with their heads held high....hopeful. I walked with a thyroid cancer survivor named Teresa whose daughter has just been diagnosed with cancer in lymph nodes behind the ribcage. She is currently battling with her insurance company to get a less invasive cancer surgery approved that would allow the surgeons to go in through the throat rather than the chest. The chest surgery would require breaking several ribs and a long recovery time. I cannot imagine having your cancer surgery on hold because of an insurance company.
After the survivor's walk there was a kid's walk. Randy, Laura and Leslie participated with shakers in hand. It was jubilant, loud, wonderful.
As soon as the kid's walk ended, a downpour began. I was not able to sit at my little card table and sell my shirts. (The cardtable would have been gone with the wind if I had tried). I was very disappointed about this, but the truth is within the last few days I had gotten 11 shirt orders. I had only 25 shirts. Half were already spoken for. How cool is that? Perhaps it was my night not to focus on the shirts but to focus on the JOY.
Later on in the evening I saw people dancing in the rain. It was a beautiful sight and an image I will not soon forget. It was the JOY that the speaker talked about...the joy that I see in the laughing faces at the cancer ward. It is hard to wrap your head around it. You don't see it in all the faces obviously. You see alot of sadness also, but when you do see that Joy it becomes contagious. Those are the people who have hope in HIM, hope for a cure, hope for healing. Those are the people you are inspired by because they are survivors in the truest sense of the word, not just in body but in spirit. Psalms 30:11 says, "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy."
Wishing you all lots of joy.
Kerry
Last night I had the pleasure of attending my first Relay for Life event. It was in Jefferson County. My inlaws, aunts on Randy's side and even my mother in law's employer were there to walk for cancer. The event was very touching.
Everyone there who had ever battled cancer wore special survivor shirts and sat in the center of the Jefferson Co High football stadium. I was struck by how young those people looked. There were several children and I can truly say not as many gray heads as you would have thought. Dozens of school and business teams sat behind us in the bleachers. Our speaker was also a breast cancer survivor. She talked about how many cancer survivors she'd met were people of JOY, not because life had been easy on them but because they saw life with new eyes, with a clarity that comes from the cancer itself. She encouraged us not just to walk around the track but to dance around it. It reminded me of that song we sang as kids "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart..."
Then it came time for us to walk. They called each survivor's name one by one and stated how long they had battled cancer. One person had battled it for a month. Another was a 42 year survivor. Each person walked past the others to the track and received a Relay for Life medal from the mayor. Once they had called everyone's names, we lined up together on the track and began to walk, wiggle and boogie our way around the track. I saw several women with bald heads like mine, people with canes to support themselves, people with tubes coming out of their bodies. I saw what looked like a 7-8 year old boy with colon cancer. They all walked. They walked around that track with their heads held high....hopeful. I walked with a thyroid cancer survivor named Teresa whose daughter has just been diagnosed with cancer in lymph nodes behind the ribcage. She is currently battling with her insurance company to get a less invasive cancer surgery approved that would allow the surgeons to go in through the throat rather than the chest. The chest surgery would require breaking several ribs and a long recovery time. I cannot imagine having your cancer surgery on hold because of an insurance company.
After the survivor's walk there was a kid's walk. Randy, Laura and Leslie participated with shakers in hand. It was jubilant, loud, wonderful.
As soon as the kid's walk ended, a downpour began. I was not able to sit at my little card table and sell my shirts. (The cardtable would have been gone with the wind if I had tried). I was very disappointed about this, but the truth is within the last few days I had gotten 11 shirt orders. I had only 25 shirts. Half were already spoken for. How cool is that? Perhaps it was my night not to focus on the shirts but to focus on the JOY.
Later on in the evening I saw people dancing in the rain. It was a beautiful sight and an image I will not soon forget. It was the JOY that the speaker talked about...the joy that I see in the laughing faces at the cancer ward. It is hard to wrap your head around it. You don't see it in all the faces obviously. You see alot of sadness also, but when you do see that Joy it becomes contagious. Those are the people who have hope in HIM, hope for a cure, hope for healing. Those are the people you are inspired by because they are survivors in the truest sense of the word, not just in body but in spirit. Psalms 30:11 says, "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy."
Wishing you all lots of joy.
Kerry
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Blessed Assurance (or Knowing That You Know)
12 years. That is how long Randy and I have been married. We just celebrated our 12 wedding anniversary Sunday. I am so very thankful to have experienced these last 12 wonderful years. My anniversary got me thinking about the day we got married. I remember being very happy and very calm that day, no jitters, no nervousness. I knew I was making the right decision and therefore the decision was easy for me. Now I am not generally a decisive person but there have been times in my life when I "just know" something, unequivocably, without a doubt is true.
Something that has been on my mind lately is the ease with which I have made most of the decisions surrounding my cancer treatment. Number 1 of course was to turn to my Savior. I could have been bitter or angry but what good would that have done? God didn't give me cancer. In fact becoming bitter would have missed the point. The OPPORTUNITY as it were to see how God was going to use this in some positive way became apparent to me early on. It didn't make the future ahead look easier but it least it gave it some meaning, some purpose, some reason.
The second decision came with whether or not to choose chemotherapy. When you are told you are a borderline stage 3, not a candidate for Her2Nu or estrogen induced cancer treatments, it's in your lymph nodes and a Dr. looks you in the face and says "If you were my wife, I would start with chemotherapy right away" that certainly makes the decision easier. What is remarkable to me is the comfort which I took from those terrible signs, as though they themselves were little Godincidences pointing the way. It led me to the cancer ward I am on. It led me to the people that I am continuing to meet who are ministering to me and "training me up" to someday help others. It has drawn me closer to a circle of friends, new sisters here, in Va, and all over the nation for a deeper and more meaningful fellowship.
To face cancer alone seems like trying to walk a huge chasm with no bridge, no net. I know that I know that I have HIM above and countless others on the other side waving me on and that makes all the difference. Most importantly I know that I have HIM and I am left to feel so sad, so broken for those who don't. How can you look at the vastness of the stars, the complexities of a single cell or the remarkable way in which our planet is positioned to sustain life and believe that everything is some sort of cosmic accident, that we are here and then we die...pointless...meaningless. What I can already testify from my short experience with breast cancer thus far is that He is HERE. He is REAL. He speaks to us in so many ways. We just have to have our ears open to listen. And when He does, YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW that HE is speaking to YOU. And that YOU are LOVED. That you are a daughter of the King. Lots of love,
Kerry
Something that has been on my mind lately is the ease with which I have made most of the decisions surrounding my cancer treatment. Number 1 of course was to turn to my Savior. I could have been bitter or angry but what good would that have done? God didn't give me cancer. In fact becoming bitter would have missed the point. The OPPORTUNITY as it were to see how God was going to use this in some positive way became apparent to me early on. It didn't make the future ahead look easier but it least it gave it some meaning, some purpose, some reason.
The second decision came with whether or not to choose chemotherapy. When you are told you are a borderline stage 3, not a candidate for Her2Nu or estrogen induced cancer treatments, it's in your lymph nodes and a Dr. looks you in the face and says "If you were my wife, I would start with chemotherapy right away" that certainly makes the decision easier. What is remarkable to me is the comfort which I took from those terrible signs, as though they themselves were little Godincidences pointing the way. It led me to the cancer ward I am on. It led me to the people that I am continuing to meet who are ministering to me and "training me up" to someday help others. It has drawn me closer to a circle of friends, new sisters here, in Va, and all over the nation for a deeper and more meaningful fellowship.
To face cancer alone seems like trying to walk a huge chasm with no bridge, no net. I know that I know that I have HIM above and countless others on the other side waving me on and that makes all the difference. Most importantly I know that I have HIM and I am left to feel so sad, so broken for those who don't. How can you look at the vastness of the stars, the complexities of a single cell or the remarkable way in which our planet is positioned to sustain life and believe that everything is some sort of cosmic accident, that we are here and then we die...pointless...meaningless. What I can already testify from my short experience with breast cancer thus far is that He is HERE. He is REAL. He speaks to us in so many ways. We just have to have our ears open to listen. And when He does, YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW that HE is speaking to YOU. And that YOU are LOVED. That you are a daughter of the King. Lots of love,
Kerry
Sunday, April 26, 2009
MS Walk!
Hello prayer warriors!
We broke out our tennis shoes and shorts! It was hot! It was fun as Brooke and I completed the 3 mile Multiple Sclerosis walk yesterday! It was such a privilege to walk with Brooke in her mother's memory. We raised some money for the cause, passed out some cards about the shirts and got lots of good information. It was so exciting to see all those people rallying around this cause and inspiring to meet some MS survivors and hear their stories. It made us think about how each person is unique with their own struggles. Each trial, each obstacle we face makes us who we are and therefore sets us up for God to use us in HIS way and in HIS time.
I can't wait for the upcoming cancer events where we can proudly wear more of our GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER shirts!
The side effects started hitting last night, some heartburn and minor stomach trouble but nothing major. I am still doing well and plugging along toward the chemo finish line!! Thanks for the continued prayer! Lots of love,
Kerry
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Another Hurdle in the Chemo Race Bites the Dust!
Dear Prayer Warriors,
Another chemo bites the dust! 5 down and 1 to go!
Needles, the dreaded weigh in, the chemo port and arm pricks, the chemical smell, that groggy feeling after "chemo sleep" when you wake up, that unsteadiness on your feet as you leave. I have to admit I was alittle more nervous about this treatment. I am still having some hormonal-driven anxiety,overwhelmed feelings, hot flashes and roller coster emotions. Another survivor told me she dreaded her last treatment so much she threw up. I have to admit I am tiring of all these things but they have, in a way, become a strange routine on the path to purifying myself of this cancer.
By the 5th treatment I have to say I am definately a "regular." There was a receptionist on vacation today who always raves about my God shirt and I missed her. There are smiles and hugs from people now that I count on..no I depend on each time I come. There's the scheduler who calls me "Sunshine," Kathy the chemo nurse who never misses a visit without a hug or laugh, the volunteers who bring you warm blankets and drinks, the doctor I know I can call at 2 am and she'll be there. What a difference this support network makes. Several commented today on how close I was to the "finish line," as though they were cheering me on in a chemo marathon. I was looking at a bulletin board today at the "chemo hut." It had a picture of several of the nurses and a thank you note that said simply "Chemo Hut Angels, thank you for taking care of my dad." I feel like I have lots of angels on earth at the cancer center (and around the nation) who are cheering me on to the chemo finish line.
I didn't run into any survivors today and it made me sad. I continue to pray I will run into the woman I saw shaking during my first visit at the cancer center. The only profound regret I have is that I never got her name and don't know what has happened to her. I feel like God led me to that cancer center for a reason. Each visit I look around for another woman shaking, another woman who was like me waiting for a PET scan result. Thus far I have not seen another one. I so very much want to help other women in that moment, that terrible, terrifying moment of uncertainty. It's not just about giving them a Tshirt & encouraging them...it's about praying with them, giving them a hug, giving them hope in God, THE ONE who can carry them through. For those of you who remember my post about being a pipe (giver) versus a pot (taker) I feel like a pipe about to burst, receiving so much...wanting to give, but still finding my way.
God has been so good though and he is providing the way in His time. He is answering prayers too. There is a Relay for Life event coming up on May 1. I have been given permission to sell some of our shirts there so we can earn more to give away at the cancer center. Obviously I can't buy lots of shirts upfront so I prayed about it, that God would provide if it was His will. Michelle from our Tshirt vendor, Lunabtees, has graciously offerred to give us dozens of girly cut shirts upfront to sell at the event. (Thank you sooo much Michelle!!!). What an answer to prayer! It feels like another Godincidence. There is another GOD IS BIGGER THAN CANCER shirt design in the works too with gold (the color for Juvenile cancer). What a joy it would be to reach more children!
Below is a verse that Laura recited at her Kindergarten graduation a couple years ago. It has new meaning for me now.
Hebrews 12:1-2 says "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
Did you hear that? "...For the JOY set before Him ENDURED the cross despising the SHAME." If He can do that, I certainly can handle one little round more of chemo! I can't wait to finish the chemo race! The finish line is in sight! Yahoooo!
Lots of love,
Kerry
Another chemo bites the dust! 5 down and 1 to go!
Needles, the dreaded weigh in, the chemo port and arm pricks, the chemical smell, that groggy feeling after "chemo sleep" when you wake up, that unsteadiness on your feet as you leave. I have to admit I was alittle more nervous about this treatment. I am still having some hormonal-driven anxiety,overwhelmed feelings, hot flashes and roller coster emotions. Another survivor told me she dreaded her last treatment so much she threw up. I have to admit I am tiring of all these things but they have, in a way, become a strange routine on the path to purifying myself of this cancer.
By the 5th treatment I have to say I am definately a "regular." There was a receptionist on vacation today who always raves about my God shirt and I missed her. There are smiles and hugs from people now that I count on..no I depend on each time I come. There's the scheduler who calls me "Sunshine," Kathy the chemo nurse who never misses a visit without a hug or laugh, the volunteers who bring you warm blankets and drinks, the doctor I know I can call at 2 am and she'll be there. What a difference this support network makes. Several commented today on how close I was to the "finish line," as though they were cheering me on in a chemo marathon. I was looking at a bulletin board today at the "chemo hut." It had a picture of several of the nurses and a thank you note that said simply "Chemo Hut Angels, thank you for taking care of my dad." I feel like I have lots of angels on earth at the cancer center (and around the nation) who are cheering me on to the chemo finish line.
I didn't run into any survivors today and it made me sad. I continue to pray I will run into the woman I saw shaking during my first visit at the cancer center. The only profound regret I have is that I never got her name and don't know what has happened to her. I feel like God led me to that cancer center for a reason. Each visit I look around for another woman shaking, another woman who was like me waiting for a PET scan result. Thus far I have not seen another one. I so very much want to help other women in that moment, that terrible, terrifying moment of uncertainty. It's not just about giving them a Tshirt & encouraging them...it's about praying with them, giving them a hug, giving them hope in God, THE ONE who can carry them through. For those of you who remember my post about being a pipe (giver) versus a pot (taker) I feel like a pipe about to burst, receiving so much...wanting to give, but still finding my way.
God has been so good though and he is providing the way in His time. He is answering prayers too. There is a Relay for Life event coming up on May 1. I have been given permission to sell some of our shirts there so we can earn more to give away at the cancer center. Obviously I can't buy lots of shirts upfront so I prayed about it, that God would provide if it was His will. Michelle from our Tshirt vendor, Lunabtees, has graciously offerred to give us dozens of girly cut shirts upfront to sell at the event. (Thank you sooo much Michelle!!!). What an answer to prayer! It feels like another Godincidence. There is another GOD IS BIGGER THAN CANCER shirt design in the works too with gold (the color for Juvenile cancer). What a joy it would be to reach more children!
Below is a verse that Laura recited at her Kindergarten graduation a couple years ago. It has new meaning for me now.
Hebrews 12:1-2 says "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
Did you hear that? "...For the JOY set before Him ENDURED the cross despising the SHAME." If He can do that, I certainly can handle one little round more of chemo! I can't wait to finish the chemo race! The finish line is in sight! Yahoooo!
Lots of love,
Kerry
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