Today I woke up crying. I'm am starting to feel a little like a freak.
Yesterday I went to the Plastic Surgeon's office. He will be doing my reconstructive surgery after the mastectomy. His office was a very posh one in West Knoxville with a commercial constantly running for Botox in the waiting room. All the nurses and receptionists were gorgeous and Randy and I speculated that the doctor might offer a nice employee discount. I saw several women coming in and out. All of them looked absolutely beautiful and I had to wonder what they were here for...nose job, tummy tuck, face lift or what? They didn't look like they needed anything done to me. Then there was me. I'm short, "pleasantly" plump and wearing a frumpy jogging suit. Were they wondering why I was there too? Probably, but I bet they did not guess why. They probably took one look at me and figured it was liposuction or something. Isn't it sad how we all judge one another? Then I ended up looking at all these brochures showing what the incision would look like. It is a cresecnt moon shape right across the very center of the chest. They have to use skin flaps to "recreate" a nipple and then tattoo over it. Sounds weird hunh? I was physically examined (as if every doctor in Knoxville has not already examined my boobs). Then they were subsequently measured and photographed. I know it was necessary, but I felt humiliated.
I don't blame the doctor or the people there. They were great. The truth is this appointment came on a day when my hair loss was staring me in the face, literally on my robe I see it, on my shirts on my pillow, everywhere. Randy and I can joke about it, how I am "shedding." Sounds like a puppy dog, doesn't it? We've even laughed about how I should wear a fishnet as I prepare dinner just like those ladies in school cafeterias. But the truth is deep down it does hurt. I am not a vain person but I am feeling a little like a walking freak show. Most of the time I am okay with it but every once in a while it does bother me. I know the hair will grow back. I know the doctor will "reconstruct" me, but deep down I know I will never be exactly like I was.
Fortunately because I am a Christian, I know that being changed is also a good thing. I have talked to lots of survivors and you can tell their life is a wonderful testimony to God's grace and love. I want to be that sort of testimony and I feel that grace all around me. I talk to my little girls alot about being beautiful on the inside. I know that is what really counts. So "freak show" or not, I am going to try to be beautiful today in the ways that really matter. Lots of love,
Kerry
Dear Kerry,
ReplyDeleteHold your head up high. You are no freak show. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I am quite sure I have never been through anything like it, but I am trying to put myself into your shoes. I have watched enough Dr. 90210 to understand that maybe I wouldn't feel so comfortable in that doctor's office either. The closest thing I have ever experienced to that is when I was attacked by a dog at 16. My hand was torn up and I told my mom that I was scared that no boy would ever want to hold my hand. She took me to a plastic surgeon to have my hand treated by somebody who would care what it looked like in the end. I do remember the plastic beauty in the office. They were perfectly formed by our world's standards. And while I certainly wouldn't mind a few enhancements, and while I don't want to judge those who have been through them electively, I also tend to think that it is better to love the body that God gave us, and to do our best to manage it the way he gave it to us. I think I would feel pretty self conscious around those that make worldly beauty one of their top priorities. It is a tough standard, and by nature, doesn't last. I hurt for you today. That insecurity is not what I want you to feel. I want you to feel proud of the beauty that God has given you! You run deeper than plastic beauty. You are beautiful. I am quite certain you are not alone in the way you felt. I am sure there are other survivors who have had to endure that feeling. I am so sorry. We have to think of a way to get your confidence up in that room next time.....ummm....brainstorming here.....go in wigless with your breast cancer shirt on and make it quite obvious that you are not in the same place that they are. Get their wheels turning.....ummm....or.....take in all of your ugliest friends with you next time...(ha-ha...that was a joke) but maybe take some friends with you...or.....join them...make a new friend in the waiting room, maybe their story isn't as high class as we imagine (or maybe it is)....but I bet they have some insecurities too (maybe even worse than what you are going through)....otherwise they wouldn't be there. We will have to work on a plan for next time.
I am so sorry that you are losing your hair. The chemo is saving your life, but it doesn't come without its pains does it?
Kerry, I am going to pray hard for you today. I am going to pray that you are able to see your own beauty, the way that your prayer warriors see it. I am proud of you. Thank you for being open with us and sharing with us, and allowing us to have the blessing of knowing you, and making our best attempt at being there for you. You are making yourself vulnerable and opening yourself up for many blessings. I feel like I could be there with you and cry with you when it is time to cry, and laugh with you when it is time to laugh, and praise with you when it is time to praise, and hurt when it is time to hurt.
You can do this. This year is going to be a rough one, but it will pass, and you will feel more "normal" again one day.
Praying for you...
Amy
Kerry, Amy, you are so right!!! I've been thinking all morning what to write/say and Kerry simply put you are BEAUTIFUL!!! What a shame that probably almost all of those women there suffer from disease of the soul. You suffer from a disease of the flesh. The beauty that lies within you is what God cares about. I was thinking about the Proverbs 31 woman and there is no mention of how pretty she looks. The only mention of physical beauty is verse 30- "Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised." I agree with Amy about wearing your shirt to the next appointment. I feel sorry for those women for without the Lord in their lives they will always be seeking vainly for what will make them happy and what will bring peace to their lives. Remember (quoting your sister) you will not always be in this place. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It does get ones wheels turning about how a person would deal with something like this. Kerry, you've been such an inspiration and I want you to keep focusing on how you've touched so many people's lives. Keep smiling, hold your head high. Boast in the Lord that you are a child of God - a mighty warrior for His kingdom!! We love you!!
ReplyDeleteIn His Name
Renee
Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are losing your hair and I'm sorry you have to go through this disease. Please don't feel that it is vain to be sad about loosing your hair. Almost from the time we are born, we all have hair. It's natural to be sad about loosing yours. But, your hair will grow back and it will be beautiful. You have always been a beautiful person on the inside and the outside to me and you always will be... with or without hair!! God choose you for this journey and through this, you are touching many lives with your testimony. You are an inspiration to everyone that knows you and everyone that will meet you in the future. I'm praying for you today and everyday! I love you dearly!!
Love,
Brooke :)
Hey sweet Kerry,
ReplyDeleteHold your head high and know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image. I can not image what you are going through, but I do know that your beauty is on the inside as well as the outside and those who get to know you and have the chance to talk to you will immediately be blessed.
It is funny we all struggle with insecurities in our life. Remember that all your girl friends near and far are here for you and love you so much.
I have to tell you a funny story about insecurity. Friday I was asked to help at the High School (10th graders to say the least). I was asked to be an interviewer so the students could get the feel of going on an interview. There were four of us and I was the 2nd one from the door and by the door sat the Superintendent of the schools. Each of us interviewed about 8 students - stand up, shake hands, sit down, stand up etc. Well I got ready to leave and I stood up turned around to walk and my legs were caught on something, I looked down and to my horror my slip was down to my feet. Needless to say I tried to casually stoop down to get my feet out of the slip so I could stuff it between myself and my purse all the while looking around to make sure that none of the 10th graders saw this,(heaven forbid) well they did not however the superintendent of the schools did and made some kind of comment which I am sure I do not even remember. The only thing I said was "Wow I have been working out, but I didn't think I had lost that much weight" I was sooo embarassed to say the least.
Of course I called Meredith and she told me she thought I needed a new slip.
I told her that I liked the idea of thinking I had lost the weight. (ha) Of course I hadn't but I still like to think that.
What fun is a new slip?
I wanted to make you laugh today. I wish I could take your hurts away. I can't but I can laugh with you and cry with you through this and love you always.
I recieved my t-shirt today, I can't wait to wear it, so I can the story of a beautiful women in TN battling breast cancer and how God is using her to Glorify Him through this walk in the valley and how she is so inspirational and special that when you read her blog you feel like you know her, and how her determination and spirit wants to make you a better person, that is what I will say to people when I wear the t-shirt that you
inspired.
Walking on this journey with you.
Love,
Lorrie
Kerry you are beautiful--inside and out! Surely your journey would not be complete without experiencing pain and insecurities. But even those challenges are helping you become more beautiful and Christ-like. I love what you wrote about wearing blinders. It really made me think about my own selfishness and insensitivities. You have become better able to see the pain and suffering of others, because of your own painful experiences. And what's more, you are going beyond seeing to act--to alleviate pain and suffering where you can! What an angel you are!
ReplyDeleteOh, Kerry. I am crying. How I have wished that I could take this from you. Mama said it best when she said that she wondered why it wasn't her. She said that life was unfair. You are so young, and we are older. It is ok to feel as you do. You would not be human if you did not feel this way occasionally. Just remember that when you feel this way, God will carry you. The scripture tells us that at times we do not even know how and for what to pray. Haven't we all been there? At these times, the Holy Spirit will "groan for us." See? When the scripture was inspired by God, He knew that at times we will feel just as you do today.
ReplyDeleteWhen Mama was undergoing her brain tumor surgery in 1993, it was the loss of her hair that bothered her the most. She trusted that she would come out of the surgery with few side effects, but her hair loss gave her grief. Many times, I have heard her say this.
Kerry, you are beautiful. Nothing will ever change that, and you are not pleasantly plump. You are a perfect size. You look so good in the clothing that you chose. Do you detect envy here? I think you have such good taste. The fact that you don't seem to realize how beautiful you are is perhaps the fact that places you in the Proverbs 31 woman catagory. I agree with Renee. You have the traits mentioned here. If I could be anything, it would be to be like this woman in Proverbs 31.
Daughter, I've said it before. You've got it going on. This phase of your life will pass. You will have a scar upon your body - a badge of courage. If it becomes anything, please let it be a reminder of how God is working through you to help so many people - me for one. I don't have a health problem, but I have examined my thoughts, actions and Bible study habits a lot lately. You have done this to me. I want to have your atitude. I love you, Kerry. Thank you for sharing with us today. Today, I will pray with this in mind.
Nana
Hello Beautiful Lady,
ReplyDeleteJust want to share these verses with you today and to let you know you are loved. You radiate the true essence of verse 4. It is so easy for all of us to get caught up in our outward appearance and forget about the inner beauty which is the most important to God. I am 100% positive that you are far more beautiful than any of those women you saw in the doctor's office!!!! Love you lots!
1 Peter 3:3-4 "Your beauty should not consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes; (4)instead, it should consist of the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God's eyes.
Love,
Shelly
Hey sis,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are sad. I think the hardest time to handle emotions are when you first wake up. The feelings catch you off guard and seem so overwelming.
Whenever a tragedy enters a person's life, I am always struck by the "little losses" that come with the "big loss". Under normal circumstances these "little losses" would seem enormous. Radical surgeries, illness, hair loss, doctors appointments, embarressing photographs. These are all tramatic in themselves, but get lost in the bigger problem of cancer. The truth is these are all real losses that will need to be grieved through and faced with courage. I am sorry that you are having to find so much courage for so many losses.
I think we all find ourselves lacking physically in some way, even under normal circumstances. I think when you see your scars, you need to remember the courage that it took to go to the doctor's appointments and face your cancer. This courage enables you to do what you need to do to be here and to be healthy. We are all scared in some way. They truly are marks of courage.
I am sorry you are losing your hair. It must be very difficult. You are losing parts of your physical self, and that is hard. You will never physically be the same, Kerry, but that doesn't mean that you aren't beautiful, both inside and out. Our experiences, both physical and emotional, make us who we are. I really, really like who you are. Your surgery and hair loss have become part of who you are, but they won't be permanent. The wisdom and compassion you have learned will stay with you, and the rest of us, forever.
I know how much you like to laugh, so I am going to give it my best shot.
When I first heard you were losing your hair, my mind went back (like a laser) to that terrible perm that I helped give you years ago. Remember when I told you that it wasn't so bad? Actually, Kerry, it was so, very, very bad. You will look so much better without hair and with a wig. I honestly don't think that you could look worse then you did with that perm! There is no where to go but up!
I have been holding back a present for you, but I think now is the perfect time to tell you about it. I bought you "movie star" sunglasses. They will cover almost your entire face. I think when you go back to see the plastic surgeon, you should wear them down on your nose and look at everyone. Maybe I can find you a matching scarf to throw around. All of these women will be so jealous over your "fab" sunglasses and want a pair, but they won't have them because I won't tell where I got them! It will be our secret! Maybe I will buy myself a pair and I can go with you! I think this could be hours of entertainment! (It doesn't take much with me.)
I know that God makes everything beautiful in His time. I think that He didn't take as long with you!
Remember how much I love you,
Mitzi
Hello Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. Losing my hair was hard at first. Especially, when I could see my first bald spot. I had to mourn the loosing of my hair for a few days. Then I got tired of waiting on it all to fall out, and I had my husband shave the rest of it off for me. I had the GI Jane look for a couple of days.
I will pray for you daily. I know that this is a hard time. I'm here to testify that God's grace is sufficient even in losing our hair. God will give you a confidience in yourself that you have never had before.
Love,
Shelly Schneider
I won't post a long comment but I just wanted you to know that my heart breaks for you every day when I read you posts. I know that God is in control of everything but that does not take the hurt away. I am praying for you girl..no go kick that cancer's BUTT.
ReplyDeleteKerry, I'm so sorry you feel down today. I couldn't wait to see you on Sunday, but I guess I was a little apprehensive too. I didn't know what to expect. Then when I saw how upbeat you were, I left feeling really good inside. I knew that you could handle this. I also knew that there would be days like today, but you'll bounce back because you've got a wonderful attitude and you've got God on your side.
ReplyDeleteKerry, I know what you're feeling is natural. Please don't feel like a freak. You're not alone. Just know that every breast cancer surviour has been through the same emotions that you're going through now. Don't beat yourself up for feeling sorry for yourself every now again. You are beautiful, and you will always be beautiful no matter what. You are beautiful with long hair, short hair, and I'm sure without hair; with boobs or without boobs (Just think, after reconstructive surgery, you won't have to worry about your boobs sagging when you get my age. Ha!)Kerry, those women at the plastic surgeon's office, they are just as insecure as the rest of us or they wouldn't be having all of these enhancements and so called improvements done! They can just afford it better than most of us.
I can't say I know what you're going through emotionally, but I can imagine. Back several years ago, I broke my wrist really bad while roller skating. After the doctor set and cast my wrist, I ended up in the hospital. My circulation cut off, and the cast had to be cut. The orthopedic surgeon did not reset my wrist, because he was afraid the same thing would happen. After weeks of going to therapy and doing self therapy, my wrist is crooked. It looks different from the other wrist and from the way it looked before. No one has ever mentioned it to me. I'm sure you've never noticed it, but I know it's different. It used to bother me, because a part of me was no longer the same. I'm used to my wrist now, and I'm just so thankful that I've got my arms and the use of my wrists. I know you will feel a sense of loss when you lose your breasts, but after time you'll learn to love your new ones. Just think, several years ago, they didn't even have breast implants. And, I can only imagine what you are feeling about loosing your hair. My hair has always been my crowning glory, and I miss my long hair so badly. But my friend Bunny, who has just gone through chemo and radiation for breast cancer, her hair has grown back beautifully - prettier than before. Everyone I know who has lost their hair, their hair comes back prettier than before.
Kerry, I wish I could take your pain away. I hurt because you hurt. Emotional pain can be worst than physical, but I know you'll get through this. We won't let you stay down, because we are going to pray, pray, and pray some more that your spirits are lifted and you have good days. Don't you ever think you are ugly, because you are so very BEAUTIFUL inside and out, and we love you so much!
Linda